Turn Up The Static

So then, I have done a lot in the last month! :)
I went to big chill at the beginning of the month, it was an amazing festival just next to Eastnor Castle, it was just a really lush relaxed four days with LOADS of friends. I came home on the Monday and washed and slept properly for the first time in days!!! On the Wednesday I flew to Leeds to visit Chris and his beautiful baby boy Joe, he's about 11 months old now I guess! It's crazy. He's still adorable, if not more so and still immaculately behaved. I didn't want to go home. I was there until Sunday when I flew back to exeter.
Home for two days and now I'm off to London, how exciting. I want to see Izzy while I'm here and hopefully Chlo although it'll be a bit of a push. I'm also going to be going down to Brighton to look at my new housey! :) anddd, were gunna go see the dino museum (we say this every time I come to London!) I also reeeeally wanna go and see ghost stories at the theatre but I dunno if we can really afford it! We'll see.
I'm going to open my student account with Natwest tomorrow which will be fun, cannot wait for everything to get sorted with uni.
I can't believe that in less than a month I will be living in Brighton, beautiful.
I've been reading my book a bit the last few days, might have another sesh now whilst on the train. Mmm, yes. Alrighty then, nice long blog :) making up for my lack of blogging lately.
OH!! And, my cousin still hasn't had her baby s/he is nearly two weeks overdue now, its crazy and I cannot wait to meet him or her! :):) lalala.
Laters.

I Like The Way It Hurts

I can't sleep! Gah.
I've just remembered how much I love my blog, FML for not keeping up with it. No one to blame but myself! I'll try... again!!!

I'm Not Gunna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

Today was fun. I started cleaning out my closet to move.
Spent hours on the phone and on skype, always good.
Went into town and got stickytape.
Wrap Marchant's present.
Saw Sam, went to see Inception.
Lalalala.
Bye

I Hope I Never Figure Out Who Broke Your Heart

My expectations are so high I push myself away from people because it's too easy to feel let down. And I don't even care; I chose that to people screwing me over for the rest of my life. Just sitting watching people playing mind games with each other, lying, going back on things they've said. Just not for me, I cannot handle it.
Done.

FML.

The weather is SHOCKING and my bunny is all wet from being in the garden half the day, bad bunny mummy. She's inside now, sulking in the kitchen!

I Like To Feed On Broken Hearts, There Ain't No Taste Like Lovers Falling Apart

Apparently.



By refusing to accept any responsibility for your actions and behaviours you sacrifice the opportunity to learn from your mistakes.
Food for thought.



Say what you are.

I Need You Defenceless, Dependant & Alone

I want these.
Please?
Apparently I have to look feminine tomorrow. I take that to mean I dont tend to?
Ta-ra.

Left For Dead

I've had my headache back since Monday. It truly sucks.
Been man enough to go to work though. On the bus now.
My eyes watered the entire way to the bus stop, which I hate. seriously, why does it happen to me all the time?
I'm starting to think it only happens when I get too much sleep. Like last night.
Would that happen?
I woke up last night to really weird screaming noises; took me a good minute or so to really sink into reality and realise they were shrieks coming from Leila and James, doing, I dunno, whatever they were doing downstairs!
I turned Bones up and went back to sleep.
My life is the definition of uneventful when I'm ill.
Anyway. Work time soon.
Oh, I can just about get my hair in a tiny ponytail now, ha win :)

I'm Tangled Up In You

The dawn is breaking, a light shining through. You're barely waking & I'm tangled up in you. I'm open. You're closed, I follow your call, I worry I won't see your face light up again. Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme, out the doubt that fills my mind I somehow find you and I collide.
I'm quiet you know, you make a first impression. I found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind. Even the best fall down sometimes, even the stars refuse to shine. out of the back you fall in time, I somehow find you and I collide. Don't stop here, I lost my place; I'm close behind.
Even the best fall down sometimes.
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
Out of the doubt that fills your mind, you finally find you and I collide.

I Guess Words Are A Mother F*cker They Can Be Great Or Even Worse They Can Teach Hate

ERM, WHEN DID IT BECOME JULY??
Seriously, time has passed ridiculously quickly this year. I genuinely thought it would DRAG, at least up until I moved to Brighton, it's flown by.
Insane.
God, I'm gunna be a 40 year-old woman before I know it aren't I?
TIME FLIES. "No, time passes at the same speed all of the time." -in joke.
I'm really looking forward to things now, it's all coming so soon.
Everything I know as normality now will be the total opposite of normality in three months time!

Things to look forward to:
1. Friday the 9th of July; annual leave. Hope for sunshine.
2. Saturday the 17th of July-Sunday the 22nd of July; annual leave.
i) First Saturday off in three weeks (17/7)
ii) Go to Bristol for Rosie's birthday (20/7-22/7)
iii) Go to London to visit nice people (22/7-25/7)
3. Monday the 26th of July-Friday the 30th of July; my last ever week at EDF Energy. Gah.
4. Saturday the 31st of July; move out of 87 Monks Road and move back home for a while!
5. Friday the 6th of August-Monday the 9th of August; The Big Chill. PERFECT.
6. Tuesday the 10th of August onward; do whatever I want until I move to Brighton.
7. Date still TBC; move to Brighton
8. Friday the 1st of October; start my degree at Sussex University.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :)
F-yes.

Our Feelings Blow Out Like A Lamp Light

So, last night I had a really weird, really warped dream. I was thinking about it this morning whilst walking into town. I was trying to remember it, like properly, you know? I can remember snipits of it. This and that. A short image will flash into my mind and then just disappear again. But I think it was pretty representative of a lot of the things going on in my life at the moment.
Seeing as I can't remember it properly and the memory of dreams fade quicker every second I'll never really know what it meant.
Maybe that's for the best.
I woke up in a better mood than I went to sleep, however it quickly dropped again after being stopped in the street twice; once by some weird guy, I dunno!? And then by a man who started preaching at me. How many times can you tell someone you're going to be late for work? Gah.
Anyway, on the bus now so I've escaped a large selection of societies greatest madmen.
I think I'm going to read my book later. Its been a while! :(

If The Horses Won't Drink We'll Drown Them In The Water

To be quite frank; I'm God damn sick of always being the one to take the stick for things out of my control.
I might just cut off all ties to people.
Leave everyone else to it.
I'm so done with this.

Back From The Last Place That I Wanted To Fake

I had work today, 08:30-14:00. It was a pretty standard Saturday shift. I tend to like my Saturdays; twisted, I am aware of this.
After work I went into town, got the bus with Martin and Clare. It was a good bus journey.
Then I went into Boots to find things, and I'm pretty sure I didn't come out with anything I went in with the intention of getting. Brilliant.
I've been trying not to spend lots of money, its so hard when I have money, but I'm doing good.
I bought a big plastic box from Pound Stretcher on my way home, and it was insane walking home carrying it in the scorching heat. But yes.
So, my big plastic box. I bought it for when I start moving, I have so much "stuff" and so a box was a good idea. I've learnt from this move that I DO NOT need all my "stuff" when I go to uni. Learning curve.
Anyway. I got my ingredients for my Lemon Drizzle Cake, going to make it tomorrow, late-ish so it'll be fresh for my guest.Pretty basic recipe...
1. Preheat oven to 180 degrees C/gas mark 4
2. I use an oblong tin which measures 9" x 8", lined with baking parchment. could also be made in a round tin, but size of which, I'm not sure!!
3. Tip all cake ingredients into large mixing bowl and beat for 2-3 minutes; mixture will drop easily off spoon.
4. Spoon mixture into tin and smooth with back of spoon. Bake for 30-40 minutes until golden & firm to the touch.
5. Beat together icing ingredients and pour over the cake while it is still HOT.
6. Cool in tin & cut into squares.
7. YUMMMMMM :)!!!!

Surely I can't screw that up?
God, get me being all 1950's housewife.

I fell asleep earlier (I'm getting into the habit of naps; not wise) and then woke up at about 22:30 when I got a text and thought, ahhh it'll be fine, I'm sleepy enough to go back to sleep and sleep through, and then BAMMMMMM thirsty much?
FML.
So, you know as soon as you get up for a drink, you're done for, you're up for a while!
...no word of a lie; here I am, wide awake. Never mind.
In my spare time this evening I have put all my "stuff" into the big box I bought, well most of it anyway.
My room seems tidier for it. Two birds, one stone.
Anyway, although I could very easily stay up all night listening to Tegan and Sara I should try the sleep thing again, I'm starting to yawn again (or squeak as those who have experienced my "yawns" would refer to it).

One more game of solitaire, Bones, then sleep.
Perfect.
So, if I remember, I will take a picture of my Lemon Drizzle Cake tomorrow and put it on here. Lalalala.
Ta-ra.

And Now I'm Running & Screaming; I Feel Like A Hero

I'm having one of those days where I feel disgusting in every possible way.
Nothing would make me feel any better about myself.
I feel yuck.
Chubs.
Ugly.
Bad hair day.
Bad face day.
Stupid tan lines.
Yuck yuck yuck.
Enough of that anyhow. I have these days, and then I wake up thinking I am skinnier and pretty than I was the day before and everything is better again.
A disgusting outlook on life I know.

Things to do over the weekend:

• Work
• Buy ingredients for Lemon Drizzle Cake
• Buy some gradual tan
• Part-take in some form of beautification
• Check on my student finance
• Paint my nails again as I'm sure they will have chipped from type-type-typing all day at work
• Pay my water bill
• Sleep a lot before Sunday
• Not get over excited
• Spend as little money as possible

I think that's a do-able list of things to do.
So, I've tried to sleep and have failed miserably, and somehow found myself increasing my "games won" stats on solitaire. Something I am proud of but am fully aware there is no rational explanation as to why.
Dorky? I'm okay with it.

So then, as it is now 01:22 (not so bad as far as I go) I am going to try and combat my continual battle with sleep.
Maybe I don't sleep because I'm scared of what my imagination (crossed with daily events and probably subconscious thought) might dream up? Huh, food for thought.
Night blog people.

And Since I Fell For That Spell I Am Living There Aswell

So, I've always had this thing, that I am a little like Alice, lost in Wonderland. And then the new Alice in Wonderland movie came out and I moved away from it a little as I don't like to be one of those girls that like clings on to weird and wonderful movies. That's never what it has meant from me.
I'm talking about the book, and yeah the Disney played a bit part in my childhood. But really, it's the metaphor behind it.
It's amazing.
Lately I've been wondering if I'm still in that place, still lost in Wonderland, or if I'm more lost than ever.
It's hard to say, I'm kind of aimlessly wondering.
Is this all just going to end up falling apart, aimless and hopeless?
IT'S ALL NONSENSE.
The idea of being found is scary though, if I'm lost then, in a weird way, I'm safe. Gah, this is twisted logic, it doesn't make much sense. But if you're alone, and you're lost, then you only depend on you, and you get used to being lost. It's almost settling.
And like Alice, you meet weird and wonderful (good and bad) people on the way, but you don't have to stick around for tea and cake if you don't want to!!!
Ha, oh my god I'm talking crap.
I wonder sometimes, when I put my philosophy hat on, how much is real, what really counts...
How do you prove you exist?

I'm sat in my room in darkness basically, which is really weird, but I've just been here since it was light, that now it's dark. My window is opposite me and when I look outside I see a few rooftops and then the moon. It looks huge tonight. It looks full. I don't think it quite is, but I'm not the person to ask on these things. Full or not, my God, it's beautiful. I want to put a top hat on it and give it a big smile and run away into wonderland.

I've been listening to some really nice chilled music lately. Just nice acoustics and things; it's nice but it definitely gets me thinking about things.
Time is short.
There is nothing I can do about this.
This is hard.
Maybe time only seems to pass but doesn't? Like a dream.
I feel like that sometimes, but then I look back to when I was small... my first memories. Time has surely passed.
Maybe I'll wake up and this will all have been a beautiful dream; a mistake. A beautiful one.
That wouldn't be so bad really.
Well, I suppose that depends on what I would be waking up to?

"Those who are dead are not dead, they're just living in my head. And since I fell for that spell I am living there as well. Time is so short and I'm sure, there must be something more."

I've Got This Feeling That There's Something That I've Missed

My working week is basically over and it's Wednesday how luuuush is that!? Happyface.
I worked my late Monday,yesterday was my rota day, worked today and I have tomorrow and Friday off.
Working Saturday morning but that barely qualifies.
So, this month I am making a point of spending basically NO money!!
I want to have enough for my big chill ticket left over at least. Easy, surely?
God.
SO, CHANGE OF PLAN, URGH, NO TIME TO BLOG :(

Time should pass. Please?

"I'm Sure I Don't Know What You Mean"

I'm sat in bed, watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
And I'm super happy. (Mood swings much? I knowww!!)
And I love magic.
And I love amazing people who counteract all the remarkably tragic people in the world.
And I love my new ink.
And I love my house.
And I love I'm soon gunna be in Brighton.
And I love that regardless of the unfortunate stuff that crops up, I bounce back in seconds.

I WANT TO BE A WITCH! Gahhhh. :(

"You haven't seen him have you? Apparently he's wondering about the house."
Simple lines; simple pleasures.
Eeeeee.
Bye bye bye bye byeeee. Lalala, night.

MISERY F*CKING LOVES ME

I just turned my music up as loud as I could so nobody heard me scream at the top of my lungs.





f*cking c*nts.

We're The Ones That Touch The Sky

I cannot wait to be out of this city.
I'll be gone before you know it and doubt I'll ever come back.
I cannot wait, it's so exciting.
AHHHHHH :)

I got iiiiiinked today, lush.
I am very very very uncontrollably happy, because I have only good things to look forward to.
TA-RA.

This Is Worse Than Teenage Poetry

Oh good God.
Do you remember that time everyone acted like they were still 14? Bitching and lying...
OH WAIT, THAT'S NOW?!
Hahahhahaha, what the f*ck is wrong with people.
Literally tragic.
Whatever happened to good old fashioned honesty?
As of now, I refuse to help or associate myself with such dishonest and childish people.
How can they not see what they look like.
It is simply remarkable.
People around here need to start acting their age, however I'm sure I will be long gone before that starts to happen, so in all fairness I couldn't care less, but people need to stop trying to drag me down with them.
I no longer do favours.
'Kay? Thanks :)

Fragment Ideas & Too Many Pronouns; Stop It Come On You're Not Making Sense Now

Today has been fun.
Totally ridiculous.
But fun.
Seriously work was easy today, best way to end a week of work!!!
Got to work at 8:30, on the phone until 10:00, customer time for half an hour, on the phone for half an hour. Data checks from 11:00-15:00! On the phone until I left at 16:30, oh wait, no, they screwed it all up and told all the customers we were closed! Haha, really can't complain. We then went on and off the phone like four times. Ended up off the phone until home time. Lush.
The office was pretty much empty after 15:30 today.
So, yeah, got taking back Sunday stuck in my head, never a bad thing.
What shall I do with my evening?
Lalala.
Ciao.

I Hated This City Before You Came Here

"I wake up exhausted, it's not morning; it's back to sleep to re-dream me. We're alone and we're happy, but there you are angry with me. Are you alright? I can stand up straight. Are you alright? Can you get me off your mind?"

So, yeah, I've had that song in my head all morning! I think it's because I naturally woke up at 6 this morning and my alarm was set for 6:30 and then I woke up at 7:05 in a panic and feeling totally knackered because my alarm didn't go off. And this song reminds me of that ha!!
So, I've kinda gotten into the habit of blogging on the bus to work. It's probably a good time to do it seeing as it's 15 minutes I have nothing to do. I mean, I'd listen to music but the naughty nibbly one (bellatrix) chewed all three pairs of my headphones (at individual times) you'd think I'd learn, but she's a sly one! Anyway... So yeah music is a no go at the moment. And I people watch a lot on the way home on the bus which is fun, but people are boring at this time in the morning, they're either boring work people or sleepy interesting people; who don't tend to get interesting until they're awake. So morning blog on the bus seems quite a sufficient way to spend my morning; get my brain working before work.
But I suppose the flaw in this plan is that a) I don't work on the weekend and b) I've forgotten how I felt the night before usually and I haven't been awake long enough to muster any strong emotion towards anything at this time.
But hey ho, we'll give it a go. If it's too life-less and mind numbing I'll come up with a new strategy to get my blogs back on track.
So, I sent off my scholarship application for uni, have I mentioned that? So that's exciting, I reallllly hope I get it, like so bad, would help loads. And I need to call student finance on Tuesday when I have a day off, to see if they've sorted there lives out.
God, this is just becoming a rant of things I need to do, how boring.
So... How do I feel? What am I thinking?
To be honest, not much at the moment, I'm just like perfectly content. You know, things could be better but they could definitely be worse. I have the girlies back, well kind of, Rosie comes and goes but B's around which is lush. And works pretty good at the moment. And yeah all in all I'm happy, but I just can't wait for august, no work (probably no money) no commitment, just friends and fun. Literally need it. Will be perfect. I want to go all over the place and see lots of people.
It's going to be totally weird not living in my house with James and Leila though! Like ahhh my god, so weird. I'm going to miss them SO much. But they're moving to Bristol, and Rosie's there, so hopefully I will stay in touch.
Next week I have Tuesday, Thursday and Friday off (typically the gas man is coming Wednesday the one day we ALL have to work ahaha!!) But I'm looking forward to the time off. Chilling out, in the sun hopefully!!! Seeing a few lovely people no doubt.
I really need some new sunglasses. In all fairness I need a lot of new things, but I guess they can wait, I don't have much spare time to be wasting with "things".
I finish work at 16:30 today which will be really nice, I can't wait to finish for the week. Well and truly ready for a relaxing weekend.
I put Bella in the garden today because its so nice and sunny but she just runs back in the house, it's cute, she's really starting to feel at home now, which is annoying considering we're off in just over a month. The poor thing is being moved around so much; exeter, ottery, exeter, ottery, Brighton.
At least she'll be staying in Brighton properly.
Anyway, I'm pretty close to work now and am well aware I've just talked crap for 10 minutes, so I think I'll leave it there.
If I do have anything profound to report I'll be sure to do it; I know it makes for better reading.
Ta-ra.

It's A Silly Time To Learn To Swim When You Start To Drown

So, last post was on the 11th, that was nearly a week ago, what's happened since then?
Not very much, I've been at work everyday.
The weather has been amazing!!
Oh, I say I haven't done much, what a lie. On sunday I went to rosie's and we had a lush sleepover. Was so nice to see her and Bryony. Lalala. Then I went to work, had my late, popped into my old school on the way to say hiiii.
Work was okay, Bryony picked me up and we went back to mine, got ready and went out. Had such a funny night.
Just had work everyday since then, it's been okay.
Yesterday was hilarious, we had to do our "dress your veg" for that we have two runner or broad beans (dunno which haha) and made them into Dempsey and Green because of the USA vs UK match the otherday. Made a pitch and a goal and everything, it is amazing. Anyway, that gets judged today, if we don't win I'll be annoyeddddd!!
So today is team green britain day, we get to dress down, asked to dress in green but all I found was green undies and a multicoloured bracelet which has some green on it. I tried at least.
So, I'm officially in my overdraft which is depressing but only a few days until I get paid now. Just gunna be a boring weekend for me!!! Never mind. I can rest and enjoy the sunshine.
So, I'm hoping the weather is going to nice again next week because I have three days off. Amazing.
So, today will be fun I'm sure.
Maybe next time I update I'll have some gossip or something moer interesting to report.
Ta-ra.

I'm Finding Out That Cheating Gets It Faster

I slept for just over ten hours yesterday.
If you know me but at all you will know how very unlike me this is.
My only conclusion is that I have exhausted myself with everything that I have to remember and keep up with at the moment. Exhausted from looking forward no doubt.
Exhausted at least.
I had so much sleep that when I woke up I didn't want to get up. I hate that.
When I woke up I had a moment of panic where I thought I was somewhere else and I did not like it.
This scares me all things considered, I'm soon to be there.
But, come what may.
I worked hard today, and people benefited from this. I like this.
As mind numbing as my job sometimes seems, I do help people, and this I like.

I was browsing post secrets, I think it's really interesting. I think I will make one soon and see if it goes on the website.
I liked this one.



Found something I didn't really want to see today, but then again, I shouldn't have been looking, then I wouldn't have found it.
I hate that. But it wasn't what I was expecting to find.
Most people are messy.

Today at work I got some love hearts in a special EDF box and they made me happy. Four individual little packets. They were cute and reminded me how amazing the company I work for is. I'm lucky.

Things are weird at the moment. I'm so in between things. It's totally bizarre. It reminds me of The Middle by Jimmy Eat World.
"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride, everything will be just fine. Everything will be alright."
I adore this song, it got me through some hard times.
And will continue to, because the way I see it, when things are bad or upside down, they're not over.
I've refused to listen to Jimmy Eat World for a little while. You know the way some songs/albums/artists remind you of things you don't want to remember? I hate that..
But after a while it passes.

I hate being uncertain and I hate being stuck and I hate being powerless and argh, I hate a lot of things.
I hate being me sometimes. Because I'm terrified I'll do what I always do and f*ck things up just to protect myself.
I refuse. I just need to man up.
I am happy right now. I will continue to be happy and nothing will change this.

I need to get my act together. I haven't eaten, I've only had one cup of tea since I got home which is unheard of and I haven't painted my nails which I promised myself I would do two days ago.
I also have all that unimportant stuff to do... you know, student finance & other university stuff! Brilliant.

I've never been one for procrastination. What is this?
So my plan of action; tea, nails, finance, film, bed. Beautiful.

I need a change.
Change of style.
Change of hair.
Change of place.
Change of people. (not all of the people.)
Change of heart.

NEXTTTTT!!!!

I need my girls. I need Rosie Marchant and Bryony Hatherley.
(There are a few others I hold close to my heart, but these girls have been with me for as long as I can remember. That stands for everything.)

And There Will Come A Time You'll See, With No More Tears. And Love Will Not Break Your Heart But Dismiss Your Fears.

Wrote a massive blog, accidentally deleted it.
Can't be brothered again!!!!
So, I work, I sleep, I pay bills and that's about it.
I'm happy due to a few very significant factors.
Bryony and Rosie are back this weekend which only adds to this.
In fact, it completes me.
I am not myself without my best friends.
I adore them.
I wrote Rosie a note at work and posted it to her, for the hell of it. Why not?
I also wrote to my gran.
Someone write me love letters?
I want the next month to pass, that would be fantastic.
But as we all know, yet chose to ignore, time will continue to pass at the same speed until it stops all together, so wishing time away just doesn't work. Damn.
Oh, unless you're a time traveller, which I am, so I'm sorted.
I've started building a weird attachment to Timothy the Turtle. I cuddle him at night when Bella is in her cage and isn't cuddle-able.
I've been having fun at work lately.Stupid people doing stupid things. Good entertainment.
And tomorrows entertainment...?
I'm doing 9am-5pm tomorrow which is a lush shift. Lovely.
So, yeah, some girl took like a horrific amount of my blood this morning and I think she might sell it on the black market to a satanic tribe. What's the worst that can happen?
So, I also realised last night that I've never had much of an imagination... I wasn't like one of those children who was always off with the fairies. In fact, I think I just copied Ria all the time.
She used to have imaginary friends and stuff and I never got it but pretended I did. How weird is that? I'm such a loser.
Never mind.
I'm with Aristotle on this one.
So, I'm gunna stop babbling, it's unfortunate that my blog before this was way more interesting and fun. GAY.
BRIGHTON PLEASE.
I just want friends, Brighton, learning and lots of love. Lalala.
I'm gunna go and make cup of tea number 7.
Bye bye bye bye bye.


I know what I want and in two months I will pretty much be there. Things will be closer to perfect than they've ever been. What more can I say? What more can I ask for? I'm blessed.

I Dont Care For Your Sweet Scent Or The Way You Want Me More Than I want You

So, I'm sat on the bus in the boiling hot weather listening to History by Funeral For A Friend. Amazing.
But I shouldn't listen to sad songs on sunny days because they make me think and they make me nostalgic and all sorts of other crazy things.
Never mind.
Yesterday was a good day. All in all. Had work at 8am so I was up from 6am, it was raining and I didn't even care. I love that!!! Then I finished work at 4pm, NICE AND EARLY. Went home, said bye to James who left me again!! My house is empty, again! Ahhhhh. Sad face.
Ahh, twenty-twenty surgory by taking back sunday just came on. What a tune. "Its not the quality that bothers me."
I'm getting back into a routine of getting ready for work again which is good. And I'm starting to make myself sleep a bit earlier as well. Slow progress but I'm getting there!!
So, my day today has started with good music, fanta fruit twist, sunshine, friendly coop guy, moody bus guy and peppermint gum? Ha. Beauts.
Well, update later.
Oh I also had an idea on my way to the bus stop that I should have taken a picture of what I wore everyday this year, but out of curiousity haha. Ahh well, if I wore the same thing twice in a row it wouldn't have looked good!!!
Work time, gahhhh.
Laters.

You're My Daydream, Does It Make You Homesick For Me?

So I have been totally rubbish lately, that's basically all I've written lately which makes it more shocking, I'm just so tired and/or busy lately it's insane!
So, let's see.
So I haven't updated this in like 11/12 days.
It's currently 05:29 and I haven't slept because I had a nap yesterday afternoon. Woopsies.
So I really do think I need a night time job because I can do the awake in the day and night thing pretty well, but not the awake in the day asleep in the night. Lalala.
Yeah, so since I last updated, God knows whats happened. I went to London?
That was awesome, I went to stay with my friend Izzy who I've known since we were about 3 which is crazy. She lives in Harrow and has a beaut apartment that she shares with her aunt. It was amazing to get away.
I basically went because I had a few days of holiday I needed to take so thought, why the hell not!! Got the bus up, biggest mistake of my life, never ever ever again. Did lots of things which I will keep in my memory for a long time. I never forget trips away, whether they're to somewhere in the country or the other side of the world. I love visiting different places and spending time with different people. It's soul-shaping.



Going back to work after almost a week off was hard!! But today was easy because we were doing a Rack, Stack and Pack which meant I didn't really have much to do. Lovely. And it was Hanna's last day which is mad because she's off travelling/studying in Jordan! I am so so so jealous, it made me want to go back to Malaysia so badly, next year, if I can afford the flights, I am gone.
I woke up with a slight sore throat this morning, brilliant. But, nothing I can't handle. Over itttt.
I'm going through that time I have every few months where I hate all my clothes, but also hate all the clothes in shops and want to change my style, but don't have a clue how and so I'm constantly having a bad clothes day. And to top it off my hair is just at an awful length at the moment, I'm trying to grow it out again but it's getting to that horrible in between length people always used to complain about... I now understand!
I also have no idea what colour my hair is, I genuinely have to look in the mirror now to remember. How ridiculous. It's just changed so much over the last month or two that I look at a photo and think, yeah that's what I look like... oh wait? Ha, retarddddd. Anyway, I'm not getting out of bed to check now but I'm pretty sure it's brown, a bit darker than my natural colour.
I miss my black hair, but I'm not dying it black again because it ruined my hair to get it back to brown and I know I wont want it black forever. Ahhh well.
I miss my lush long hair, so unfunny. Anyway, it's good its short because my hair had no style when it was long, this way I can grow it but make sure it looks rad.
I love and hate all music at the moment, I'm just getting bored of everything I hear horrifically quickly. Lame much?
So yeah, Bella is still adorable. She was outside then entire time I was in London as I didn't want her cage to get messy and have to ask James to clean it, this way he could just feed her easily. Luckily the weather was amazing, but she wasn't too impressed to come inside after that. She likes it out there. However, she is now perfectly happy in her little bedroom, chewing on lettuce, hay and Bella food.
I thought that maybe the reason I love her so much is because bunnies like to be awake at night and sleep in the day, and I like to be awake at night (I also like to be awake in the day, but if I could choose, I would sleep for a few hours early in the morning and then be awake for most of the day and night!)
So, lately my life has been kind of crazy; good and bad.
I think it's kind of settling, but I'm sure it'll only be settled to the next day be flipped upside down.
...I can't complain, after all, I spent the beginning of the year complaining my life was too boring.
I also must consider that nothing that is happening at the moment will be the way it is in two months time. In two months and a day I will no longer be living in this house, I will no longer be working full time and the people in my life and their situations could be very different. I like to watch things work out, to see if what I have predicted comes true.
Regardless of ups and downs I have been having a helluva lot to fun lately. Cannot complain about that.
I am ready to laze around for a month or two though if I'm totally honest.
I'm try to decide whether it would be worth getting some kind of temp job for august, just a few hours to give me a little extra cash. I don't know, I'll look into it. Could be worthwhile, good fun. Maybe I could do some baby sitting seeing as I will be free in the days and its the summer holidays?
Anyway, I literally am just babbling on. But I like to, because, that's what my blog is for. I can't believe its already the end of May. I mean, we're basically half way through the year. THAT'S crazy.
I can vividly remember writing my first blog on the 4th Jan. I like that I am still writing, I am looking forward to going back over it at the end of the year because so much will have changed, it already has.
So, I'm going to try harder to update every day again. I have no excuse.
Tomorrow/today I think I'm just going to chill out and do little seeing as it's a bank holiday weekend so I will make the most of Monday. I might be seeing my Mummy on Monday because she misses me. So that would be nice. I'd quite like to go riding if I could get a private session for an hour or something, I will look into it.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to say... I might have already, but anyway, I've started jogging. I enjoy it. It's been a while, I used to LOVE running. What happened there? So yeah, I couldn't go when I was in London obviously, but now I'm home I'm back on it.
I want to make sure I have a lovely yummy figure for summer (that's assuming we haven't just had the best of it.)
I really hope this summer is lovely and hot and just, perfect. I have a lot of expectations for this summer and I wish to see them through, good weather will help. The last week has been incredible, it was SO hot. I got a tan just playing a cheeky round of adventure golf! I say a tan, I'm still paler than the average British citizen, but that's just me, so I hope the weather continues. Not particularly likely seeing as it rained all day today! Good.
My house in Brighton is all secure and ready for me as of august 1st 2010. I cannot wait. But I'm not moving up until September. So I'll be moving home with my Mum for a month, don't really know how much time I will actually spend there though.
Anyway, I really am going to stop talking now.
Morning sir's and madam's.



TEGAN & SARA, DISTILLERS, GALLOWS, DEAF HAVANA, HEART OF A COWARD, PARKWAY DRIVE, MUMFORD & SONS.

"You're my daydream does it make you homesick for me? I'm missing you, I'm still missing you. Well I guess that I've never really had you."
Goodnight at... 06:06.

So This Is What We're Up Against?

Yeah....
Got a horrendous amount of stuff going through my head right now.
It's wild.
Join the party.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Yeah, cool.
I can't wait to run away.
Ta-ra.


I really like this.

Drain The Blood, The Heart Is Wise

Yeah, I haven't updated this, I've been a little distracted lately.
I'm pretty happy at the moment, things are all looking pretty good.
Back to work and actually feeling better, taking calls and just being boring old working Leo.
Managing to not be exhausted regardless of the fact I'm still going to bed gone 2:30am every morning.
Bellatrix is being a little rascal!
I have a few bits of holiday due which always makes work seem easier.
Should be off from Saturday until Thursday next week and so I'm planning on going off and visiting a few lovely people.
Looking forward to getting out of Devon. Amazing.
I've started running again which is making me feel good, only been at it for two days so far but I already feel better for it. I wasn't going to go tonight, decided Monday should be my day off because it's when I do a late shift, but right now I feel like I still want to go!!
Amazing.
Anyway, update later.

Let's Unwrite These Pages & Replace Them With Our Own Words

My heart is racing & I can't help thinking it's not gunna stop anytime soon.
I dont have very much to blog about.
F*CK.
I'm listening to lots and lots and lots of Tegan & Sara & Distillers. ♥
"I step right off the edge, let the blood rush to my head. I'm going down to where the lucky ones have bled. I lift the veil up to reveal a fascination, and if you crave it then you know that you are injured. And I'm holding on. For what you do to me, oh, baby, there's no measure, I've taken everything, now I want to give it. I left the lights on so you stumble in devotion. So easy, so easy, it's left unspoken. And I'm holding on. I've come to realize you're the only thing I want, I'm falling all the way in."
That song is just too good. :)


I love this photo. I want to go somewhere like this. I like to spend my days doing nice things, not cool things. With beautiful & amazing people. I need to do more things like this.
"I will make you paper aeroplanes."

Goodnight, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

I Just Want Back In Your Head

Lalala, I'm at work, it's my lunch break.
I'm going from hyperactive to drained every 30 minutes! It's crazy.
My headache is coming and going and I'm in an amazing mood regardless.
I'm bored and wish I was on my way somewhere fun with someone fun rather than being stuck infront of a computer but give me two months and I'm gone.
I can't wait to get home tonight and literally just rest, hang out with leila, see my bunny and speak to good people.
I want to move to Brighton now. So much. It's rubbish and boring here. I will REALLY miss a few people, literally, only a few, but I know that regardless of where I am I will still see them as much as possible. It's cool because a few of my best friends are currently in Bristol and a few more people will be there soon. I'm moving closer to a few people by moving to Brighton as well, and most importantly I'm moving in with Bryony, which is perfect.
It's going to be so strange living in Brighton and then coming back for holidays. Seeing people who haven't moved away. Just, totally strange.
Don't think I'll be back very much though, I mean, I will probably wanna go to visit people at their uni's and stuff when I can. I love going to new places and living the life of my friends for a few days. Ahhhh exciting.
Anyway, back to work, will do a better update later, I'm just rambling right now.
Ciao.

There's No Hope For The Weak; Your Heroes Have Died ♥

Yeah, so the reason I haven't been updating this very much is that I've literally been ill for two weeks. It's such a joke. But due to this nothing in my life has changed too dramatically.
I'm going back to work tomorrow which will be good, a little daunting though to be honest. I don't know, it'll be good fun anyway, better than sitting around doing nothing all day everyday.
I couldn't go back to being jobless; unless I had someone super fun to hang out with everyday of course.
I'm currently listening to The Con by Tegan and Sara, I know I've quoted it more than once on here lately, but I just think it's an amazing song. I adore it. The lyrics are amazing.
Last night I went out for a bit because I was so sick of being stuck inside for weeks, but it just made me feel more ill so went home again!!
I am genuinely feeling a little better, last week was hell. So I'm hoping just being at work will be a distraction from it all.
One of my gill's grew out the day before yesterday, I am sad because they're beautiful and I love them. Such a shame. But I still have one! I said that when they grow out I would get them done on the other side, but right now I cannot afford £50 on piercings. MANNNN, SO ANNOYED. Plus I'm on the tattoo case at the moment, so all spare funds need to go towards that. Yes please.
So, one of the few problems in my life was nearly on the road to recovery, until suddenly it all started going down hill again. Which is weird, because nothing particularly atrocious happened, I just realised that it's never going to be fixed.
Break my trust and it's almost impossible to repair what you have broken.
Last night I started reading my book Mad, Bad and Sad. The History of Women and The Mind Doctors From 1800 To The Present. It's such a good book already. I cannot wait to finish it.
I started listening to Parkway Drive again today and just remembered how good they are!!!
I'm looking forward to tomorrow because it means I'll have someone to play with for a week. I've been bored out of my skull lately.
Unfortunately it has come to light that the majority of people around her are just awful and therefore the selection of people I actually want to grace with my presence is minimal. Ha, what a bitch. Ahh well... brutal honesty?
Yeah, so, I also tried to be nice about something and seemed to make the whole thing worse, sorry!! My bad. But seriously, grow up. You're not in love & you need to act your age.
Even better... "act your rage."
Ahhh, I'm in a strange mood.
I felt a little let down, again, today by a certain person, but its the same person that continues to let me down, unintentionally. So never mind. Some people just don't see how self absorbed they are. I cannot fault them for that.
I want to wear my braces to work tomorrow but have nothing to wear them with which is really lame.
Anyway, I guess it's about time for me to go and make some tea, listen to Gallows, Distillers, Tegan & Sara, Heart Of A Coward, Deaf Havana, Parkway Drive & Bury Tomorrow, play with Bella, have a shower, make a low calorie meal and hit the sack. It's all about tomorrow as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, I want to watch Hook! :)
"You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you... Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting." Ah, beautiful.

I Won't Scream In My Head & Let It Isolate Me

I haven't written a blog in a few days now, since being ill things have gotten a little weird.
I'm just wanting to get better and do things and I dunno, not be signed off until Monday!
So, bring it on.
Oh and, she's like, perfect. Yummy. Need to get skinny, get a tan and get tattoo number 3.

Noboday Likes To But I Really Like To Cry

Today was horrific.

I Feel Like You Wouldn't Like Me If You Met Me

My heart is racing and my head is banging. I'm feeling irrational & wreckless.
I need to remember to always keep my cards close to my chest.
I don't need rescuing. I need to escape.
Yeah, probably best if I stayed out of everyone's lives.
Bit of a waste of space really.
Radddddddddddddddddd.
My head really f*cking hurts.
Lalala.


Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that if all the circumstances were different this would be someting very different from what it is.

"Well nobody likes to but i really like to cry. Well nobody likes me maybe if i cry." I love T&S

Ice Doesn't Help The Uncoordinated

Today Adam wanted to take me out so I could try and forget I was ill. We went to Bristol aquarium!! Which was amazing, we saw so many lovely fishies and sea creatures.





Then we went and got pizza express, and walked into town a little, saw Rosie and Jack!! Then I drove the Scirocco home, literally most beautiful car in the world. AHHHHH.



We went to watch Kick-ass. Very funny! Then I came home, hung out with Leila and James. James kindly introduced Bella to Gilbert the giraffe, and I discovered that maybe Bella is developing some adult feelings. But, she seems faithful to Gilbert so I guess I can adjust to this.
So, yeah, been a fun day really.

I Forgot The Words Again

Yeah... getting used to this ill thing.
My head is spinning.
I've lost all ability; falling apart.
Lagwagon, RX Bandits & Goldfinger right now please?

This Title Is Sh*t

Don't really have much to write about for once.
I spent the day doing bits and bobs, trying to ignore how ill I've felt without sleeping so I can get to bed tonight and go to work tomorrow. I woke up, watched Heroes, went downstairs, played Diddy Kong & Golden Eye with James, then he went to do more work and I played Zelda.
We ♥ N64.
Then I went and watched more Heroes. Made dinner. Played more Zelda. Ate too many Oreos.
Found out something douchy today, but it made me happy because it confirmed what I already thought. Some people are just awful, ha!
I also had to decide who I should trust between someone I adore and someone I probably should adore. It wasn't a particularly hard decision. But every time I make it, it hurts a little more.
Anyway, enough of being a sucky-emo-kid.
SO! Work tomorrow, Adam is picking me up, buses make me feel sick when I'm not ill, so it's just not about that. And then home, earlyish one I think, followed by a day of surprises!! Ahhh.



You're going to have to try harder if you want me to care.

Right Now, I'm Anyone's

There's been a terrible account of words & this evening is just like any other baby except tonight I'm not so down in the dirt. I'm a hopeless romantic with good intentions but i always fail to false accusations, it's always got me landing firmly on my feet. but I'll get you one day honey. Don't make a sound, we can't afford to be heard. If you wanna come home to a bed of red roses I'll cut my arm before the night closes. If you wanna come home to another best friend I'll swallow Viagra just to start a trend.
And this is far too obvious, dangerous attempt at something just a little bit more than you ever asked for.

Tell Me Now Where Was My Fault?

Today, I was so ill. So I slept. All day.
This meant I didn't have to think about anything at all.
Beautiful.
At 9am it felt like 12pm, but never mind.
I love it.
I still have a horrific headache and my stomach isn't best pleased. But I'm going to work tomorrow. I can't afford another day off.

"Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life."
Things are definitely looking up. I like this.
I'm happier.

I made an omlette today, because I hadn't eaten and thought it might help. I then remembered why I don't make omlette's anymore. I don't like omlette. Yucky.
Also, I saw this group and it made me horribly content; I'm twisted.
"Sorry I'm late, there was Snorlax in my way and I didn't have my PokéFlute!" Brilliant.

Music is making my life a better one at the moment. :)

Hardcore Superstar

I was going to write another "cryptic blog" but you know what, it's just not happening.
It's 04:53 and I've decided to go for the oldschool allnighter.
Bringing back the unemployed Leo.
"The Lavish Life Of Leo"
Amazing.

Tomorrow will be interesting, probably be something along the lines of, shower, get ready, tea, food, bus, work, lunch, work, bus, home, film, bed, sleep.
Not going to complain.

"I won't regret saying this, this thing that I'm saying. Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying. Call, break it off. Call, break my own heart. Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at. Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at. But now we'll never know, I won't be sad but in case I go there everyday, to make myself feel bad, there's a chance I'll start to wonder if this is the thing to do. I wont be out long but I still think it better end. You take your time coming over here, I think that's for the best. Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at, maybe you would have been something I'd be good at? But now well never know, I wont be sad but in case I go there everyday, to make myself feel bad there's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do."

Yeah We're Subborn & Melodramatic

Checklist:

1. Diet
2. Slight tan
3. Decide what hair colour I want
4. Dye my hair
5. Get something new to wear
6. Anything that I need to make myself boarderline attractive
7. Work out what I want
8. Do nothing about it
9. Move to Brighton
10. Do something about it
11. Have everything I need
12. See important people
13. Go to university
14. Learn
15. Be happy
16. Stop caring about anything else

Gahhh. Hi.

I need to work on everything right now. Feeling pretty numb. Which is fine. Works well. But I'm scared I'm going to get boring.
I need three months to pass please.

I'll Leave When The Wind Blows

So then, can't see anything good that can come of this?
Keep calm and carry on. I'm okay with it.
Lovely.
Had a nice evening.
I've laughed a lot tonight.
Lalala.

Misery Fucking Loves Me & I Love Her Too

I'm currently sat on a bus on the way home from my late shift listening to hardcore disgustingly loud and enjoying the disgraced look on each of my colleagues faces. It's pretty hilarious.
I genuinely enjoy people thinking I'm weird.
What is good about being like most of the single-minded people that populate this city?
Bus drivers are fun though, you never know what you're going to get. Today was Mr Nice Bus Driver. I like that. I also like it when they're Mr Angry Bus Driver, it gives my morning or evening a little excitement. Its just boring when they're in no mood at all. Like driving ghosts. Mind numbing.
Have you ever noticed the signs on buses that says "no surf boards on this vehicle, thank you"? What's that about. Yeah, I'm always bringing surf boards on buses!!
I'm going to try and have a healthy meal tonight... Like a spoolfun of water or something.
Goodbyeee

Open Up My Eager Eyes Cos I'm Mr. Brightside

"Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine. Gotta be down cos I want it all."
My all time favourite song, always and forever since the first time I heard it.

Yeah. I'm over this.
Genuinely cannot be bothered at, all.
I'm feeling that amazing, numb, heartless feeling that I usually feel.
I love it.
It's my favourite state of mind.

I'm in a pretty dire mood at this very moment in time though, so be careful, I might be horrifically mean to you.
Already have been to three people today.
I'm not sad though, don't get me wrong.
I'm more content than I have been in a while, cos I've got my head straight. And that's all I need.

My expectations are disgustingly high & you've got me all wrong.

Divine Intervention?

I was selfish for a few days.
Shortly nipped that in the bud.
What a retarded thing to do?
I don't know what I was thinking.

I am Leonora Hitchcock, f*ck off please?

I Step Right Off The Edge, Feel The Blood Rush To My Head

Yeah, I've been re-learning the whole living in Wonderland thing lately, and I'm getting better at it again.
I cannot believe I lost my touch.
One of the few things I have been good at.
Joy.

I cannot get enough of Tegan & Sara at the moment, I swear they lived my life for me and then wrote about it so I have something to relate to.
Got to be honest, they're helping.

Mmmm, I don't care if it's selfish, I want want want it. Yes please?
Nahhh? Okay, yeah, probably not.
Never did get that lucky ha.

LALALALA.
Work tomorrow, then Sunday off, THANK GOD.
Gooooooood day to you folks.

"Back from the last place that I wanted to fake, you laugh with me, shout, scream now tell me you're staying."

Oh & I'm Feeling Directionless, Yes

Oh and I'm feeling directionless yes. But that's to be expected and I know that best, in creeps the morning and another day is lost. You've just written wondering and I reply fast.
All you need to save me; call.
And I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all and I wont take any other call.
I feel like a fool so I'm going to stop troubling you. Buried in my yard a letter to send to you, if I forget of God forbid die too soon. Hope that you'll hear me and know that I wrote to you.
And I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all and I wont take any other call.

Call It Off

Deceivingly profound.

"I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me."

Yeah, I don't like this. Haven't cared for a while. I got used to it.
I'm struggling with this.
And it's just shocking timing.
Shocking everything.
Blah blah, bitch, moan.
I'm acting pretty self-absorbed.

F*ck it. Next?

MUSIC please.

Dance With Me But Mind My Sleeve It's Where I Keep My Heart

ARGHHHHH.
I feel my life would be more successful if I locked myself in a very small room with nothing in it.
No?
Well.
Today has confused me.
I thought for a moment I had spoken a little too soon, and maybe things weren't too out of reach, and then before I knew it that changed again.
And then I got so angry at someone for how self absorbed they can be.
I didn't even know that was possible.
Done with that behaviour.
Then I had a really nice few hours with Leila.
Anddd, then something I thought was over and done with got thrown back into the very complex equation.
FML. ahahaha, emo.com but seriously.
I love the complexity of it all, but it's not like a complex game, so it's not fun. It's more like complex math.
I want a challenge, love a challenge. But this isn't a challenge, as I have no say in the matter.
Lalala.
Anyway, I cannot stop listening to Nineteen by Tegan & Sara and Heels Over Head by Boys Like Girls.
Amazing.
Bye.



Despondent, distracted, vicious & romantic

I Should Have Told You

I felt you in my legs before I ever met you and when I laid beside you for the first time I told you. I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you. And now we're saying bye.
Bye.
I was nineteen.
I felt you in my life before I ever thought to. Felt the need to lie it down beside you and tell you. I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you. And now were saying bye.

Tegan and sara are amazing.

Yes I Have To Change The Rules, I Can't Lose

My heart is racing.
What is wrong with me?
I think I need to calm down.
How very melodramatic of me.
I tend to do this. Just ruin things for myself... as a way to end things before they can hurt me. Or mean too much to me that they can easily hurt me.
Not about that.

RESCUE ME.


"Today is the day, the worst day of my life. You're so content it hurts me, I don't know why. The cost of misery is at an all time high; I keep it hidden close to the surface in sight. I'm learning to fall, I can hardly breathe. When I'm going down don't worry about me .Don't try this at home. You said you don't see. I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me."

You Aren't Going To Find It

You spend your time rushing around your life. Doing the same thing you did yesterday and the same thing you'll do tomorrow, and you don't forget... It's like a warm but vague reminder, constantly there, lining everything you do.
But then you sit down. You just stop. And you actually think.
And when you think, you genuinely remember. You feel it, hear it, taste it.
Want it.
And you smile and feel insanely bipolar.
And then you think it's probably for the best you carry on with your life because it's all too much to consider; its so ridiculously out of reach now.
Corr.

Despondent, Distracted, Vicious & Romantic

Well then, I've had a pretty intense couple of weeks.
It's hard, because I wish I could explain, without letting out all my deepest secrets.
I'll try the best I can, regardless.
"Never show anyone. They'll beg you and they'll flatter you for the secret, but as soon as you give it up... you'll be nothing to them."
This stands out to me; I keep all the things that make me who I am very close to my chest. I am individual and pride myself for it.
In previous years I have let people take this from me, in different shapes and forms. Never again. I have been reminded of this lately.



Don't you hate when you just know something, but it's not your decision to make, so out of being a decent human being you have to sit back and watch the future unfold, just hoping it will go the right way and not the wrong?
This is one of my most selfish attributes. I have been blessed with the ability to assess people and situations too well. And often therefore find myself wanting to solve people's problems for them.
This is selfish.
You need to make your own mistakes.
So I try to put it to good use, I help when I am needed, comfort when it is needed and the rest of the time, stay out of the way, quietly observing, until I am needed.
I only ever want to do right by my friends. They mean more to me than I could ever express.
Lately I have found myself very confused about a few things. And frustrated. Right now the only thing that will really fix this is for time to skip forward. I just need to be at a point in my life where things can become permanent; as right now, they cannot.
There would be little logicality in taking on anything to serious right now, as in a matter of months I won't be here; around all these wonderful people, doing the things I spend my days doing at the moment.
Everything will be different.
Fate.
I have already found that fate is moving those things important to me close to me in that time.
So; only time will tell.
...I wonder. To the person in which this concerns; if you are reading, and think this is in regards to yourself; I am leaving it to you from now on. We will see.
No regrets. Everything happens for a reason.
And I think I set myself up for this from the beginning.
I realised a week or so ago, that over the last few months I have found myself in rather self-destructive situations. I think I have been setting myself up for disaster; as a way of protecting myself.
Clever I suppose. But irritating.
Gotta love your subconscious.
Right now, I'm not so sure what I want. So all I will do is look forward... to a point where it is safe to decide. No need to decide now, as I cannot act on it.
It would be counterproductive to make such decisions at this moment in time.

"In my opinion, the existence of life is a highly overrated phenomenon" -Watchmen.
Lately I have watched some really amazing films.
Films for me are a form of escapism. I adore this.
I love films that are a dramatised version of reality. What more could you want?


"I can feel you breathing, and it's keeping me awake."
A few nights ago I had a dream, of which I can remember vividly. It's bizarre, this hasn't happened to me in a long time.
I'm not very sure what to make of it to be honest. If you took it in black and white, then I know exactly what I want. However, I am not black and white, nor are dreams, least of all my dreams. So I shall continue to analyse this dream until I come to a conclusion of what it means.

"Despondent, distracted; you're vicious and romantic, these are a few of my favourite things. All of those flavours and this is what you choose. Pass the blues and onto something real. Something real; make it timeless. An act of God and nothing less would be accepted. So if you're calling me out, count me out. Yeah, we're stubborn and melodramatic, a real class act. I know a few of your favourite things; five in the morning and all comes out pouring, love. Out, the same way in. I said real. Make it timeless. An act of god and nothing less would be accepted. If you're calling me out, count me out."

Blah blah blah. For the first time in ages I'm actually feeling a little emotion towards things and people. F*ck this.
Leila and I watched some good stuff tonight, it was lush.
Tea, and TV & Leila. Lovely.
Work tomorrow. Brilliant.
Nighttttt.


I liked this.

You're A Lush & I Hate It

I had a rad night out. Genuinely good fun all round.
Saw so many people that I know from all over the place!!
Madness.


Rosie is already asleep next to me, bless. She's a doll.
I felt sad that B couldn't be here... it was all her idea originally as well. But I was thinking of her and tomorrow I am going to see her at 5pm.
Can't wait to see her.
And I'll go and see her on Saturday morning.

Tomorrow at work we are moving desks, I'm moving into the colder part of the office, but closer to the coffee shop, so it's half and half.

I'm missing Andy a lot already... crazy times.
And I cannot wait for James to come back from his Easter breakkkkk. Yay.
Soon things should gain a little more consistency. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for spontaneity, but everything is a little too erratic at the moment.
Right now I'm debating how far something should be pushed, and when it should be left. But also what it means. I don't like to waste my time, effort & affection.
I'm patient but I need to be kept in the loop.
All in all I'm nice.

I need to get me some of that... gahhh.
But until then.. I'm happy.

Bryony needs to get better so we can run away to Brighton together.
'kay? Thanks.

Do You Believe In Hallucinations?

I don't update this so much anymore, it's more like every other day rather than everyday. It's not good but I have just had a helluva lot going on.
My best friend is sick, and I'm genuinely terrified.
It took a little while to sink in how tragic it could potentially be, and when it did I just didn't stop crying.
My manager had to take me off the phones at work and put me on back office work.
I've been sending her a text a day just to update her, even though I know she won't see it until she's better... but I want her to know how much she means to me and that I have been thinking about her always.
I'm going to visit her tomorrow after work, take some mag's, grapes and a nice card, maybe some flowers. Whatever I think will make her smile really.
I don't know.

I'm also confused about a few other things. Don't know what's going on or where I stand.
I know where I want to be, but it's never that easy!
Brilliant.
Anyway, I will update again later.
To make up for the lack of updates lately.
I'm on a late shift tonight at work, then going out with Rosie and Lucy which will be nice.
So then...
Speak soon.
Byeee.

Somewhere Here She's Hidden

Hmmmm.
Dunno.
Feeling a little bit strange today.
Things going through my head.
I am well and truly ready for SOMETHING to happen.
Everything is changing constantly.
It's not all bad.
But I need something right... and then it should just stay.
HA!
I don't know what I'm on about.
I have work at 08:30am tomorrow, jooooke.
I don't really know what to believe anymore.
MESSY MESSY MESSY.
Lalala.
See you tomorrow beauts.
Kisses & stuff.

She Won't Take The Blame

I have no words at the moment, it's really weird for me.
I guess it's because EVERYTHING is changing at the moment, and in a week or so I think things should balance out again and I will start to recover a little consistency.
Until then, I'm afraid, I feel my blog will be boring.

RX Bandits... all the time right now.

"This is the first time that I've ever told the truth before to scrutinize what we call fate belief in more of what's been forced into subconscious' hold my breath, hope to refrain.
Is love an infection or a sick addiction? When there's nowhere left to run to. Is love an infection or a sick addiction? When there's nowhere left, this crush is broken.
Her empty needle is my unsharpened sword, I stab, I stab, I stab, but I can't puncture
don't wanna let it, don't wanna feel it, don't wanna hear it, don't even wanna think about it
hold my breath, hope to refrain and if i can't afford her my veins begin to ache.
I don't wanna feel this pain no more. Have you ever felt so high that when you came down
you broke inside?
I know she won't take the blame
You love me, you rip my heart out, you've broken me for to long now."

In Desperate Need Of Music

"Bright just like the stars above me
Proud just like my mother planned it
Short on all the things I don't want
I'm full of love and longing
Take me by the hand and tell me
You would take me anywhere
Still, cause I don't want to move a thing
In hopes that you'll fit right into me
And all the things I don't want they're full
Of love and longing
Take me by the hand and tell me
You would take me anywhere
And it goes, its like a come on come on to me
And it goes it's like a come on come on to me
You, you say you don't see any part of me
To love in all this mess and I know
You take the good and all the bad that comes with me."

So We Come To The End Of The Story

I cannot be bothered with most things ANY.MORE.
But there are a few things I can, and therefore I will continue to put my all into them.

I hope the weather is gorgeous tomorrow.
I need some someone to sweep me off my feet and distract me by making me laugh until I cry and just make me feel worthwhile.
You know you're "too nice" when your "best friend" is the most selfish person you know.
Luckily I have some real friends.
Amazing, beautiful, true friends.
Friends I will have forever.


This song. ALL THE TIME right now.



Also:
"Let's delay our misery. Save tonight and fight the break of dawn. Come tomorrow; tomorrow I'll be gone."

We're Gunna Die Like This You Know; Miserable & Old

I keep hearing of or seeing things that happened yesterday and thinking that they happened like days and days ago.
What's going on with me?
What does that even mean? HA!

I've made my decision about something... gah.

I need tea.
And to feed Bella, ta-ra.

This Is My Mind

I think things might be coming together, but then everything is so erratic I don't wanna speak to soon.
Ahh well, one can only hope.
And it makes me happy none the less.
I have a while off work now, which is nice.
Quite fancy going out tomorrow night.
Tonight was a lot of fun.
My manager bought me an Easter egg. She's amazing.
I've listened to so much music tonight. Brilliant.
I've looked through every single photo I have on my laptop twice.
WOW. How things change. Mostly for the good.
I want long hair again.
IT'S PRETTY.
Shouldn't take me long.
It's my birthday on Tuesday, I've invited quite a few people out for drinks, but if I'm very honest, there are only a handful people I really care about seeing.

I want a cake on my birthday just so I can blow out the candles and make a wish.
Unrealistic, but lovely none the less.
I have a lot of things to say but gunna keep it to myself for the time being.
Lets see what the next couple of weeks hold.

I'm watching the notebook; "if I'm a bird, you're a bird." amazing film.

Goodnight.

A Darker Shade Of Red

Today I had work, it was a lush day.
Nice and easy to be honest.
Tomorrow is my last day of the week, what a blag!
And then Andy, James and I are having a movie marathon. Amazing.
It's going to be epic.
...Labyrinth being one of the films I shall be watching with them.
After work today I went out with Andy to The Black Horse and watched the Arsenal vs Barcelona game, it was a genuinely good game of football.
Made me miss Lottie though, and all the sixth form people.
I had an amazing two years in sixth form.
Oh which reminds me!! After the football we went to The Firehouse and Mr Pawson and Mr Lawson were there! Amazing, it was rad to see them. They're amazing. I love having a good ol' catch up with Pawson. It's a genuine necessity.
I feel so happy today. I'm going to bed all smiley.
I don't know why, I guess things have just been going my way the last two days.
SMILEYFACE.

It's nearly my birthday. I'm looking forward to it, just because I like getting ALL my friends together.

We had a good youtube session when we got home today, it was hilarious.
Gotta love a youtube sesh.

Anyway, it's nearly three AM and I have work tomorrow.
I feel bed is in order.
I feel like I have a lot more to say, but I'm just gunna dream about it instead. ♥
Goodnight lovely people.
TEAAAAA.

Don't Let It Go To Your Head

Yet again been updated on some pathetic facebook status about me. Why do people constantly have to update me on complete BS?

I think you need to get over yourself.
My blog wasn't about you. I have better things to laugh about, better things to write about.

Hope you're well.

Hello, Welcome To The Show ♥

Today I hung out with Bryony and we had a junk day.
These are the best kinda of days. Those of you yet to experience a junk day; I highly advise it.
We woke up late-ish, went into town, got some lunch, yummy.
Then we walked home and had quite a laugh at something in particular, LOL.
Then we went to PC world by the big tesco and played some playstation 3.
Once that was out of our system we went into DFS and a guy who B actually kind of knew offered us champagne, which we obviously went for.
We then continued to walk around DFS looking at sofa's and trying out many of them.
"browsing"
One guy actually started talking to us about the logistics of buying a sofa, he wacked out his best salesmanship skills. CANNOT BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY THOUGHT WE HAD LIKE £5000 FOR A SOFA COLLECTION.
Sorry. Would love to. LUSH SOFA, but no.
We were both terrified we would spill our champagne on the sofa's as well. Woopsies.
I fell in love with a particular chair. It was round and span around, and just yummy and comfy. Tad outta my price range unfortunately.
Then we came back home and I chilled out with Bella for a bit.
Then me and my house mates had a yummy roast.
I don't know what I'm going to do when Izzy and Andy leave?! I'm actually going to have to start cooking haha.
Izzy is leaving on Tuesday, and it's weird, although I've not known her long I'm genuinely gutted she's going. But she's going to have a rad time so it's fiiiine.
Still got Andy, James & Leila. Although, Andy is off in a couple of weeks too!
SADFACE.
After dinner we watched a Louis Theroux episode on a rough jail in America which was good and then went on to give James the 21 questions about his childhood and how he likes to climb trees.
I was genuinely in tears as a result of the laughing fit I had.
Too funny.
They're all SO funny.
I'm lucky.

Only one negative thing has happened to me today. Come what may.

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." -Gandhi.

I played a game of hide and seek with Bella today, that was fun. She likes to play. Shes still adorable.



I feel my life is a little like a TV show at the moment. "Hello, welcome to the show."
By all means, sit back and enjoy... I know I will.
Ciao. ♥