3 Cheers For The Easy Life

I'm so happy today.
It's been all about my job, uni, tattoo's, brighton, stand up, the 80's, american culture, dan, nathan and perry.
Ohhh and making too many super amazing plans.

Ahh life is grand.
Lalala. Night all.

You'll Never Disappear Unless I Give Permission Dear

Ahh my goshies; finally they're putting good TV on!! Amazinggggg. Since before Christmas it's been rubbbbishhhh! Now we've got NEW DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and new Midsummer Murders, ahhhh amazing. And Hustle is on; it's no series one but what can you do? Oh and The Good Wife started the day before yesterdy (?) I appreciate good TV after a day at work, god I sound old!
I left my phone at home today and my card for work (so I was lunchless!) but I had some snacks.
And some adorable lady called in today and she was deaf and when I mentioned my mum was deaf she was so sweet and wanted to chat wthme about it for HOURS; giving all sorts of advice.
When I got home I had a really nice message on facebook which quietly renewed my faith in humanity (ha!!!)
I like good people.
I felt bad as well though because I led one of my best friends to believe I was upset with them; I LOVE YOU. You know who you are.
All in all I'm a very lucky lady.
Ahhh yeah; Noah & Logan had babies!! Amazingggg, so cute.

Don't worry guys I should have my laptop back soon.

Oh yeh, I'm living in the living room (!) gahhhh. I promise not to be cranky.

Dan tomorrow, Adam Friday night, mmmm. FUCKING Brighton this weekend, aaaahhhhh.

I LOVE LIVING MY LIFE LIKE A ROCKSTAR.

Ciao bella.

I'd Never Write A Song About You

Lalala.


Old school tunes.

If You Run

I'm lying in bed. My room is spotless. I have no TV. No laptop. Nothing. My bedside lamp is on and it makes my room glow warm. My radiator can't decide what it wants. We all know that feeling too well. I'm just lying here, under two duvets and a blanket with my headphones in listening to You Me At Six. My room is made up of memories. Everything I look at will remind me of something. A different time. Different era's of my life.
Everything that has made me who I am.
And for no reason at all I want to run away from it.
My pinboard is screaming at me. Its full of everything. Photo's, gigs, art, summer, school, work, holidays, everything.
I have photos all over the place, and they all look at me when I'm in bed.
Photos of all the important people; Hope, Rosie, B, Laura, Dan, Dan, Lucy, Alice, Mike, Alec, Matt, Lucie, Charlie, Ria, Aimee. More people too, lots and lots of photos. On my walls, in frames and on my pinboard. Hundreds of memories. Seconds that became minutes and hours and days.
But I feel pretty empty at this very moment.
Don't worry, I'll be totally fulfilled in 5 seconds. Fickle.
I can't ever sleep when I'm by myself. Its lame.
And now I don't even have my TV to stop my overactive mind driving me crazy.
I found an old jewellery box earlier and so I went through it, that's what threw me into such a weird state of contemplation. I think the last time I even looked at it must have been when I was like 14 and every single thing in there meant something to me.
I found an antique gold crucifix that I was given as a child. Its gorgeous.
I'm seeing good people this week.
Laura, Joey, Hope, Dan, Adam, Fay, Emilee, BRYONY, Sam, Kayla.
And I have a good week of work. Amazing.
And I'm getting a bunny. And she's gunna be cute and have an obscure boys name and live inside and be cute cute cute.

Ohhh, I have a text, I think I'll have a cheeky read of it and try the whole sleep thing again.

Night lovelies, lalala.

Through Dangers Untold & Hardships Unnumbered

Pretend, pretend, pretend. Let's all just keep fucking PRETENDING and we'll get no where. Rad.







Ohhh, I like Sarah's dress in the labyrinth. She looks like a princess.
I want to be a princess.

Princess or not, I'm still a rockstar.

Also, there is SO an owl in this film. Hope is in heaven.

David Bowie <3

Abandon Ship

Well. I wrote the most amazing epic blog. And then my DSi died before I could plug it in. Now it is lost for good.
It's pretty tragic.
Bad times.

Anyway. I have had a really lush weekend.
Friday:
WORK.
Got given lots of advice from my manager hahaha.
Went into town. Got my hair cut. WIN.
Hung out with Miss Hope.
Went home.
Had food. Got ready. Went out in Exmouth. Met Raf. Tried to persuade SOMEONE, anyone, to do karaoke with me at the Bank, but it was no's all round. LOSERS.
"Hey.. you. Yeah you. Drunky. Fuck you."
Finally got home at like 4am or something and then got around 2 hours sleep before having to wake up for work. UNCOOL.

Saturday:
First ever Saturday shift. Was better than I first thought. I love my colleagues. Apparently even "grown up" people still find it funny that Ria used to call me "Leonora Bitchcock" when we were like 9/10. Classy girls.
Had too much coffee in my sexy pink thermos.
Talked about heavy music.
Talked about my hair.
Hummed the Mazuma Mobile advert song and got totally denied when no one knew what I was on about. It's still too good.
Went into Exeter. Got my gills pierced on the left hand side, mmmm.
Met up with Sarah for the first time in months. Which was amazing. We had to catch up on everything that has happened in our lives since like, April pretty much? So yes, we were sat in Boston's Tea Party for getting on three hours I think. I felt it was time well spent. I love and miss that lady.
Then I went to pick up Hope from Toms and found myself having to go round the roundabout twice as I was on autopilot to Dans. Woopsies.
Then we went home and took photo's! And got ready, and went out. With Dan. And got pizza. Mmmmm. Yummy.
Again, came home. Not quite so late, but late enough considering yet another early morning.



Sunday (that's today (HA)):
Woke up with only moments to get ready and take Hope to work. Drove to Okehampton, in my jammies basically. Dropped Hopeth at Waitrose. Drove ALL THE WAY to Torquay and saw Nath! Got to be honest; had a nap when I got there. Mmm, bed time cuddles and Mean Girls? Nicey.
Then got up at 11:30, did my hair, make-up and got changed into real clothes.
Nathan treated me to Chinese at a lush restaurant and then we took a walk into town and bought a certain someone an extremely late birthday present haha.
Then I dropped Nath and Rob at the gym and pottered on back to Torquay to be Mum to Hopeth. I went into Waitrose and pretended to have an interest in cheese and salami. Okay, who am I kidding? I do have an interest in cheese and salami. Mmmmm, yumyumyum.
Then we went home, had food, eventually got mum to give up on the whole "YOU HAVE TO WATCH SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE" thing and chilled in my room. Here we are. It's pretty wild.




If I am entirely honest with you; there have been some pretty intense moments this weekend too. Then again, what more can you expect when you consider that it's me and Hope?

Oohhhh, this reminds me; on Friday, Tom totally rocked up wearing the same jumper as Dan which led me to realise that Hope and I were wearing the same denim jacket and I was literally like, "NOOO, FUCK OFF. FUCK THIS. EWWWWW. I AM LEAVING. YOU ARE ALL BAD PEOPLE." hahaha, it was like some kind of comedy show. Ridiculous. I didn't think those kind of things actually happened to people in real life.

We listened to lots of good music on all our drives this weekend. And sung lots. And smiled. And laughed. Ahhh.
I was sad earlier. That pretty much sucked. But then I remembered that I'm a fucking rockstar and got over it, sharpish.
I need to take care of the amazing people in my life who need me. I don't do sad.
That is one thing people always say to me "you're always so happy". I remember once in year 12 when my boyfriend at the time and I had a fight and I went into the girls toilets in the Sixth Form Centre to sort my face out and a girl in the year above who I knew from a few brief encounters was just like "Oh my god, Leo, are you alright? You are NEVER sad. What has happened?" It's funny really. I do the whole happy smiley thing pretty damn well.

Had a really nice rational conversation with someone today about something that had nothing to do with me. But it was refreshing.

Oh yeah, also, I was talking to Nath earlier and I was explaining how I basically NEED my life to change drastically, pretty soon. Please?
If not, I feel I may be driven to shoot myself by boredom. I gave him a few rather sterling examples, but I shant post them all over my blog. I'm treating it a little like a wish. If you tell people it won't come true. Hahaha, how childish of me. I don't care.
But yeah, hurry up already?

Oh wow, just realised it's nearly midnight. Best get to sleep, what with having work and all.
I am going to steal Miss Hope from her phone call now, make her happy, put on the Labyrinth so we can fall in love with David Bowie all over again and be happy.

Goodnight wonderful people.

I'm feeling a little bit like a crazy person right now.




Ohhhhh.

Contagious Chemistry

Ahhhhhhh, tonight.
Today and tonight have been amazing.
No complaints.
It's 4:29, I have work at 8:30.
I'm going to sleep now. Yay for bedtime cuddles.
See you guys tomorrow!
Momento.

I'd Rather Lead Than Follow

So, my laptop has SO broken... AGAIN. Properly sucks to be me.
I'm finally feeling a bit better though.
I'm currently reporting from my DSi, the novelty wears out fast haha. But rather this than NO blog, that would be really sucky. Hoping ima be properly better tomorrow.
I want Hopeth and Nathan to be happier, but not to worry I'll fix that this weekend.
I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow after work, I cannot wait. I'm totally re-doing myself this month. I bitch about being bored so I should get on about changing it! Rad.
Urgh, so not gunna sleep tonight. I'm TV-less and laptopless, fail. Think it's gunna be music in and overthink. Brilliant.
Ah well, it will all be forgotten by tomorrow.
Corr, I'm so fickle.
Ahh well, over it. I'll worry about that another time.

"but now you've lost it all, we're running out of time. We have things on our mind and things that we just don't like. Who do you wanna say?Who do you wanna be tonight? We were young and blind, we ignored the warning signs. How were we to know? We were so close but still so far. We grew apart and out of touch and all I wanted was to say, we're running out of time; we have things on our mind and things we just don't like."

Ahhh dunno what I'd do without music. Sometimes I listen to things that explain exactly how I feel, sometimes I do the opposite to balance myself out, and sometimes I just listen to something I like. The trick is knowing which I'm doing when. Honestly? You'll probably never understand me. No one has to date. Even though sometimes it's kinda lame, it's what makes me so... ME.
I'll spend my life paying for my selfish and irrational ways. I bruise easily and bore easier, but I guess it's what makes my life so interesting. I've committed to it now! Ha.

Right then, time to attempt sleep whilst battling a combination of conflicting thoughts. Rad. ENLIGHTEN ME.

"Are you comfortable? Because you are going to hate me for this."

Lalala, night then (hopefully!)
Mwahhhhh.

You Talk A Good Game But You've Been Played

I'm ready to move to Brighton now. And be with B. It's everything I want and need. I wish time would hurry up please.




Everything is pretend. In some ways I like that. It means you never have to take anything to hard or to seriously. But sometimes it's really lame. I get bored of pretending and playing games. Sometimes I wish people would just be as blunt and honest as me. Then again, a world full of people like that would get boring fast.
I want to go back to Thailand and be with amazing people in amazing places. And just feel "wow".
I watched American Beauty last night. It put me in a well weird mood. Some films just do that to me. But I wasn't really prepared for it last night. Totally couldn't sleep last night. Sucks to be me.
This month I'm saving all my money for Brighton and Bristol. That's all I'm spending money on.
But they're gunna be two amazing weekends.
I put in for my summer leave today as well. Amazing. Got me all excited about summer. Rosie's birthday, Big Chill & Nass.
Summer will be all about me, Bry, Hope & Rosie I think. Who knows though, I mean, anything could happen in the time from now and then right? Who knows who will appear into my life.
I reckon my life will be dramatically different by then, in some way. But I couldn't say how, not just yet anyway. But it is more than welcome.
Don't get me wrong, my life is amazing right now and I can't complain. I'm just bored. There are no challenges. I need challenging people and challenging situations. I like to prove myself, but people already know what I'm capable of around here. Bring it on.
I miss people. A few people. The good ones.

Mmm, music, lots of it, really loud. That's what I've been all about today.
That and.. cough sweets and cough mixture ha.
Yum yum.
Lets all hope that I'm better tomorrow yes?

Lalalala, ta-ra.

This Isn't About You

Urgh my god. I am so bored of so many things and so many people now-a-days. I swear to God I'm surrounded by children. It's just like one display of adolescent behaviour after another. And the majority of these displays are performed by people who are in their 20's, or at least 18 and over. It makes me feel so uneasy. I don't understand how people can just continue to live like this and not grow up. It's actually pathetic.
I wanna move on with my life now. I want to move, and be with new people and just have a new life that doesn't involve pathetic bullshit.
I love my friends and couldn't live without them, so they'll clearly be a part of my life, wherever I am, whoever I'm with.
If people want to carry on like 14 year olds then that is absolutely fine, but I want nothing to do with it. Because its unbelievably lame. I realised this when I was like, 16 I think, sooner than most to be honest. Well I'm sure I knew it was lame far before this, but this is when I grew out of it. When you realise you feel like an idiot as well. And you just look back on the past however many lame years and think "wow, really?"
It's pretty enlightening.
I feel sorry for people who aren't there yet.
But anyway, best of luck and all that.

At the end of the day, I've never cared about any of it. Whether people chose to try and drag me into it or not. It won't work. If you look carefully, you'll see me in the corner of your eye, laughing at you. And when you realise, you will be the one who feels like a twat.
Good day to you, ha.

Once again, find myself feeling... ridiculously smug. Gutted. I like having the opposite effect, I do it. OFTEN.

Lalalala.

Ways & Means

Day off. And I'm sick. Typical.
Blaaaaaah.

Don't worry guys, I'm sure I'll have some intense psychological and philosophical insights soon.

The Ones We Trusted The Most Pushed Us Far Away

I'm going away for a while, but I'll be back don't try and follow me. Cos I'll return as soon as possible. See I'm trying to find my place; but it might not be here where I feel safe. We all learn to make mistakes, and run from them, with no direction. Run from them, with no conviction. I'm just one of those ghosts; travelling endlessly.

Today is one of those music days I have. Probably best not to talk to me. I'll be mean.

Would someone care to classify a broken heart and twisted minds, so I can find someone to rely on, and run to them; full speed ahead. You are not useless, we are just, misguided ghosts. Travelling endlessly.

A Decade Under The Influence

Perfect.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up right now. There are only a few very small things missing right now and I won't go into it and risk ruining this amazing mood. Ahhh.



I'm not in a chatty one, so Ill try and sum it all up for you breifly;
Friends, family, music, art, tattoos, suicide girls, peircings, new hair, payday, life, being awake, remembering, forgetting, laughing, loving, smiling, the labyrinth, david bowie, plans, alice in wonderland, photo's, looking forward, crunch corners, lalala, mental triggers, tags, rota days, being a good friend, being an emo, not caring about anything, caring about everything, being a complete mess for feeling everything and anything, "I've got a bad feeling about this", my room, all saints, being a vampire according to work people, laughing at all the crap people make up, being me, loving that I get on no matter what, genuinely being happy. I've got it bad. EVERYTHING.



Fuck it. Lalala.

This Town Was Ours

Yesterday felt like three days at least.

Part 1.
Town, spent the last of my wages. Rad.
Went to my grans. Love her too much for words.

Part 2.
Went to Dans, saw him and Ben. Admired his amazing new tattoo; it's intense. Then we went to save Hope from a night on the streets. I'm a hero. It was like a mini road trip and it reminded me of summer. It was unbelievably surreal. Had Hope in the front and the boys in the back; and there was one moment in particular, just driving down the motorway heading to nowhere-town and it just hit me, this weird nostalgic feeling. I have to say it wasn't so welcome, but I embraced it none the less. We had our music on TOO loud, the boys in control of the music in the back, Hope next to me laughing at the boys (this little laugh that she only does to them, which I really couldn't begin to explain, and I doubt she even knows she does it) and me just smiling and tapping along to the music as I drive.
Yep; it was a little bit of summer all over again. It was nice really. It's good to remember.



Part 3.

"Did you just shake my car at me?"

Ahh the rest of my day was just, mmmm... lovely and rather funny.
We went to the pubs in Exmouth, saw SO many drunk people, laughed at them a lot and basically had a good time.
We sang "Hey Big Spender" and "All That Jazz" loud in the street and didn't really care.
We laughed at how bad the music in Q club is and didn't dance. But definitely laughed at the girl who threw her whole body around while she "danced".
Tried a bit of acrobatics on the way home, win.
And experienced some first class fucking around. Not cool. As much advice as you give however; people still need to learn from their own mistakes.

Oh and some lovely bouncer at Q who was like 60 at least wished me a happy new year and shook my hand. I love people like that. They're nice. Then again, he was probably just glad to see someone my age that wasn't throwing up in the gutter outside his place of work. Either way, it was refreshing.

I had an amazing day yesterday. So funny for so many different reasons, but it also reminded me of a few things that I should be grateful for. I'm a lucky girl. But I really miss Rosie and Bryony. Its pretty damn lame.



Today I'm going to hang out with Freya. I love that girl a lot also. Mmmm, hope every one is having as much of a good day.
Lalalala.

Kill The Rhythm

I don't have very much to say tonight to be honest.
But that's not a bad thing.
I'm just like, genuinely content.
It's nice.
Maybe it's because I talked at Gianni for hours today.
I'm excited about loads of things, but I've rambled about those all already. And I really want to get something done at the convention in Brighton but don't think I will.
Lately I've been watching loads of films of the books I've loved, tonight I'm going to watch The Boy In The Striped PJ's. I think I might cry which is awful.

I have a slight sore throat tonight, sucks to be me. Hoping it'll go away with a bit of honey. Yummy. Something rather nice happened to me tonight, and something unexpected also happened. I like me right now. I'm rational all over again.

I've been doing lots or organising, I like to organise. I remember when we were trying to think of things to do for the Sixth Form Variety Showcase loads of my friends said "You should just go on stage and organise??" ahh, I'd lap that up.


I bought a pink thermos today that I can take to work and make all my colleagues jealous, especially Gianni and his silly plastic cup which isn't even personalised.
I've enjoyed all the lovely and exciting texts I've gotten today, more tomorrow please?

Night night bloggers.

I Am The Rumour On Everyone's Lips

I realised today that people like my brutal honesty. People like it when I'm a bitch. And generally people like me. I like this. And I like people. Win.

Proper update later.

"And I am the rumour on everyone's lips, I am the curse on your girlfriends hips. We are the difference so we'll make a start. And tell all your friends and sound the alarm."

Am I Keeping You Awake?

I have literally had the best day today! Got that lush feeling where you have so much to look forward to and everything is just perfect, well basically everything. I have nothing to complain about anyway!
I'm going to be sad when Rosie goes back to uni on Sunday though, I'm with her mum on the whole, she should stay home for at least another week thing. How important is uni anyway?

Some people are so pathetic in this day and age. All for very different reasons. But seriously, do you really think it's cool to go out and get drunk every night? Because its not. It's so lame. We're not 14 anymore. I mean, seriously, it's heartbreaking to be honest. And it gets you nowhere; you can take my word for it. So, maybe a few people should take a look at themselves. Rad.



Grow up.
I don't touch the stuff and I'm a fucking rockstar. ♥

Oh my gosh I have so many amazing friends it's unreal! Just thinking about it makes me buzz. Amazing. I always did get lucky. Every now and then I get really unlucky, but that's why I decided to make my own luck this year. It's working out pretty damn well for me.
I started doing my sit ups again tonight. It's all about being as sexy as possible right?
I need new hair, any ideas?



Oh yeah, I painted my nails dark purple with the middle one black. I like it.

Things to look forward to; seeing Rosie tomorrow night, shopping and seeing Ollie on Saturday, seeing Ben & Dan on Saturday night, girly one on Monday night, DAY OFF TUESDAY seeing Nathan for take out, Brighton Tattoo Convention end of the month, Bristol Valentines weekend, LEEDS FOR MY BIRTHDAY. What else??

Corr.

I Am The Fashion That You're All Into

Lalalala.
Work time I think.
I need to go to bed earlier tonight, I'm sleepy.
Laters.

Safer To Hate Her

I realised today that I am totally impossible. Don't get me wrong; I've always kind of known this. But I swear to God, this is the worst it's ever gotten.
People try far far far too hard. I hate that. Don't make it so easy for me. How many times do I have to say I like a challenge? I am so bored.

I'd like something a little more worthwhile.
Yeah. It's all far too easy.

"It's so odd. I like the bad-boy types. Generally the guy I'm attracted to is the guy in the club with all the tattoos and nail polish. He's usually the lead singer in a punk band and plays guitar. But my serious boyfriends are relatively clean-cut, nice guys. So it's strange." -Megan Fox. ♥

Make it fun already?

Hope Davey

My best friend. My love. My life. My boyfriend?
Amazing. Full stop.

Oh, and incase you haven't heard. We don't care much for anything other than us. We're all about the emotional repression and being a bit mental. What more could we possibly need?

Yeah, gutting. Lalalalala. Ta-ra.

I Can Do Anything With No Resistance

I feel like a grown up today.
I have a grown up job, in a grown up company. I have my own grown up desk, with my own computer and all my own stuff. I have my own grown up colleagues who I send grown up emails to (and quite a few immature emails to.) I wear heels to work, wearing heels in the day is a grown up thing. And I wear smart grown up clothes and look important.

I have my very own grown up life. And it's mine. No one elses. Just mine. I like this. I've always been independent.

Being grown up is just as fun as I always imagined it would be when Ria and I used to play "people games" when we were small.
...I feel that my excitement about being grown up shows I have a lot to learn about being grown up; however, in comparison to most of the people that surround me now-a-days I'm miles ahead.

"I've got this feeling that we're gunna be alright. The kids are alive and kicking, running for their lives. We've just been getting by on stupidly good looks and spending time spitting out these stupidly good hooks. You'll never know friends like these. You'll never know."

I'm feeling a little smug today. I like it.



NIGHT!

You've Made Your Bed

The last few days have been totally crazy and I havent even had time to stop and update my blog. Not something I am proud of.

On thursday we went out for Rias birthday before she went back to Malaysia for a month, it was such a lush day and night. All the girls back together, it was really nice. Had so many nostalgic moments. It partially reminded me of how easy it is to be younger, but a lot of it reminded me of the things I hated about being at that horrible teenage age. Its kind of hard to explain, you either remember it or you don't. I wouldnt change a thing about my teen life, it's made me who I am today, and personally I think it's something to be proud of. I got it all out of the way early, which only means I can lead a happy and relatively straight forward life now. Okay, fair enough, straight forward is maybe a little optimistic, but I don't make mistakes anymore, which makes getting by much easier.

On friday morning I had a revelation. It was horrible. One of those moments in life you know you'll never forget and you're not sure if you're glad if it happened or not. I found that all of a sudden I knew what that strange feeling I'd had for the last few months was. It was buried deep inside me which always makes me uneasy; its too out of reach. I'm helpless. When I had realised I struggled to come to terms with it. So much that when I saw my mum for the first time that morning I burst into tears and starting rambling trying to explain. She hurt so much watching me that she simply started crying. I found myself scratching at my skin, all over my chest; explaining to her that I wanted to rip my skin of to get rid of this feeling I couldn't reach. It was horrible and there was nothing I could do about it. This is the first time in my life I've ever worried I've got a soul. I've never believed in anything like that. Soul mates. They don't exist. Now I'm not so sure. I don't want a soul, I want to be in control of everything I do. I'm quietly terrified.



The rest of Friday I spent with Dan, we have one of those friendships where we totally rely on each other for the important stuff no matter what and we always know the other will be there. He's trying to give up drinking, and therefore I am the perfect playdate! However, taking it slow, first stop, pop to the pub in Exmouth for a few drinks, it was just really nice to chill out with a friend and natter away for hours! Then we went back to his, put on an epic film, had snacks and stayed up until it was the next morning. One of those days which you are just totally relaxed. Genuinely don't feel that you have to worry about anything. I guess he's one of those friends I feel kind of protects me, just because he's so honest. It's tricky to explain how things work in my head. But, we're just upfront and that way what you see is what you get. I wouldn't change it.

Saturday I spent all over the place and ended up at Lewis's house and then off into Torquay. We meet Nathan at the pub and just sat and had ridiculous conversations for hours. It was one of those nights where you hurt all over from laughing. Even though I wasnt drinking, I genuinely just felt so amazing and basically high off life and just the atmosphere and enjoying the amazing company. We all revealed certain things about ourselves we wouldn't have expected and all found it too funny. We were later joined by lots of other lovely people and then kind of mooched around Torquay going to lots of different places. My night was kind of dampened by some rather adolescent behaviour however I am not one to let something pathetic ruin an amazing day and therefore put it behind me and carried on. Lewis and I went back to his and put on Wall-e only to fall asleep within minutes. His conservatory was cold!

This morning I wrote a letter. I love writing letters, because I always feel I can be totally honest, and say everything I want to say without the fear of being interupted or confused. As always I wrote it with a certain intent in mind. On my way home I delivered my letter.
I've had an emotional day today, but it's turned out better than I would have originally imagined. When I got home my mother could tell I was upset, which only led me to tears, however, cuddles soon sorted me right out and I got on with moving my room around, something I have always enjoyed doing.
We then went to my grandmothers for dinner which was really nice. I like it when we do family things. It happens rarely, we've never really been a very family orientated group, however, it makes it all the more special when it does finally happen. We then came home and chilled infront of the TV. I found myself faced with a rather bizarre situation when I came home; one I wasnt really expecting. But even stranger for me was my own reaction. Naturally, I expected I would be distraught and on edge, however I just found myself buzzing and finding it all too funny. I got bored of childish behaviour years ago, before my time I would say. I grow up too fast and so now, I have little patience for certain behaviour. Isn't it strange how sometimes, one small move can change everything you ever thought and felt in an instant? This is what I experienced today. And it's made my future seem a whole lot easier. Tomorrow will be a good day. Since this slight enlightenment I've also found myself faced with all sorts of exciting prospects.
I'm excited to see what the future will hold.
I'm going to bed in an amazing frame of mind, this is something I love. I only have one negative thing on my mind and that is my best friend Hope Davey. She is not as happy as I would like her to be today which saddens me greatly. However, it just makes my aim clear for the next few days. They are dedicated to her; solely. Because she's never let me down in the past and I wouldnt dream of letting her down.
I've learnt lately that, you know who your friends are.




"So this is the end, of you and me. We had a good run, and I'm setting you free to do as you want, to do as you please without me. Remember when, you were my boat and I was your sea together we'd float, so delicately but that was back when we could talk about anything. Cos I don't know, who I am when you're running circles in my head and I don't know,just who you are when you're sleeping in someone else's bed."


A NEW START.

Im moving forward and taking everything thats happened to me lately positively. I need more. And more importantly I deserve more.I had it, for a very short while but things have changed and now it's gone and it's too late to change that. Everything happens for a reason, right? I'm excited to see what the future will hold, it could go either way.

When I start over, I have to sort my music out. Music effects my whole outlook on my life. This is a new era for me and therefore I have a new playlist. Reminding me of the right things, and excluding the memories that won't help me.

Wish me luck.

I Never Claimed I Knew How To Dance

Ahhh this song :) good memories of being like, fifteen or something?



Tonight I decided that I really don't care anymore. Goodnight everyone.

A Diva Is A Female Version Of A Hustler

Today was such an amazing day. I woke up in an awful mood because my mother didn't go to sleep until five which basically kept me up, but apparently she was watching the snow which makes it okay? And then her alarm went off early when she knew full well she wasn't going to work so I had to go and turn that off.
Had a lot of thrilling conversations with my colleagues at ridiculous o'clock to see if we were going to risk going to work. Long story short. No.
Back to sleep? Yes please.
Woke up and got into hundreds of layers, including my amazing new purple hat that I love and the mittens I got for Christmas from my work secret santa. Walked to Freya's in the snow whilst on the phone to my dear but sulky Hope.



Played in the snow a bit and then chilled at Freya's with Ria & Katie. We decided a constructive way to spend our snow day would be to dress up, this led us to dressing up as 1920 flapper girls.



We put on red lipstick, pale make up, red cheeks, dark eye make-up and a beauty spot. And basically just danced around Freya's room. We also decided we have to dress up like this tomorrow night when we go out for Ria's birthday.

Katie.


Ria.


Freya.


Me.


Had some yummy dinner with Freya's family and just enjoyed feeling part of a lovely happy family. It was amazing. Then we put on music and watched/filmed Freya and Katie dancing around.

"She ain't callin' him to greet her, don't need him, her bed's made. This is a stick up,I need them bags, uh, that money. A stick up, stick up. You see them ask, where that money? All my ladies get it up, I see you, I do the same. Take it to another level, no passengers on my plane. A diva is a female version of a hustler."

It's All Make Believe Isn't It?

I have little to say today.




It snowed today.

"Somethings just never change, and we will just slip away. This could be the real world now."
Night.

And For What It's Worth It Sure As Hell Ain't Worth A Lot

Today has been one of those days where you genuinely think you've felt every possible emotion. Mad. When I have days like this, I try to take them with a pinch of salt, because at the end of the day, how much can you really feel any of the things you think you do when they change so drastically?
I started work early this morning and wasn't particlarly thrilled at waking up half an hour earlier than normal, however, when I was up I actually felt really refreshed. It was an amazing frosty morning. Frosty mornings are always the best starts for me as I start with a clear head, I like to step outside onto my white path, look up the road, take a deep, sharp, cold breath and not have a clue what the day will hold.
Work was a good day, full of typical work place banter, nothing much to report about it to be honest. Although, I had a really nice lunch with Becki and we chatted about all the things that had happened with us lately. It was a sense of feeling content with someone, a real friend, who can make you laugh, but you know she cares and shes only talking to you because she wants to. I'm not about alterior motives, thanks.
Today I started looking back over the past year, all the things that changed. I can easily say that more changed in 2009 than any other year of my life. Some of the things I think of make me so happy. And I wouldn't change them. Some things make me sad but I wouldn't change them either. And I couldnt tell you how I feel about some things. I'm not one for saying I'd ever change things that have happened, because those are the things that have lead me to the place I currently am; however, for the first time in years, I'm not entirely sure I love where I find myself. Nothing makes me sadder. Because it's so unlike me.
I want to go back to the beach please.
I never believed it when people said that good things never last. For the first time in my life, I'm doubting that. I'm full of doubt at the moment.



This photo was taken in Budapest. I remember staring up at this amazing building and just thinking, "What next?" It was a moment very similar to the one I had today.

It sounds so cliche but it is crazy how fast things can change. But then again, there's always the hope that they will change back, or move forward for the better.
I had a bit of a revelation today, about people and situations. They really will ALWAYS change. I'd like to think I'll always be me forever, but people I really care about are changing and adapting around me, so how can I possibly feel safe in the belief that I will always be the person I am now. I don't know if I even want to be this person anymore. Someone important always told me I was too nice for my own good. I may have finally accepted this today. But, then again, I haven't been the nicest pesron in the world lately.

I miss almost everyone that is important to me at the moment, even if they only live across the road, everything is different. I miss them all and I miss all the amazing things we had. "You ran away, now all my friends are gone, maybe we've outgrown all the things we once loved. Run away. What are we running from?"

The film The Labyrinth gives me a bizarre sense of calm. Maybe it's because its a childhood film. But personally I dont think its that. I think its a combination of things. One of which is all the intense statements that are made.

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me."

"Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?"

"Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel."

I fear I may actually be in love with David Bowie's character. He has such a warped romantic ideal. My mother is concerned it was her showing me this film that has shaped my bizarre and intense outlook on life. Whatever it is. I like to feel. Its better than feeling nothing at all.



Days of realisation leave me with a bittersweet taste in my mouth.

I'm going to get my second tattoo on Saturday. I want "She walks in beauty" along the side of my right foot. It is from my favourite poem, written by Lord Byron. It reminds me that I am beautiful in everything I do. Beauty is far from skin deep.
Tomorrow will be an easy day, because today wasn't. And thats just how I tend to work. Silly really.
I'm viewing a house tomorrow, I think it'll be a little far out of town, however I am viewing another later in the week which I think will probably be more suitable. HOW EXCITING.

I think it's probably time to draw today to an end, and have beautiful dreams of all the things I have speculated upon today.


"It's not fair." "You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?"

I Will Remember Who I Was Before The Walls Gave Way

This song.



I can't sleep and this song is amazing. Gets me in one of those thinking moods, but not in a bad way at all. Goodnight.

In Desperate Need Of Adventure

Its the new year, and I've basically decided Im going to write a blog, because I want this year to be amazing, and I want to remember it. Last year was good, I wouldn't change anything, well not much anyway. And I kind of wish I'd written it all down.
This year has started pretty well. Woke up on 01.01.10 at Sam's house, with Rosie and Bryony and it was lush. We just chilled, eventually got up, watched some Flight Of The Concords and then went for such a lush walk.





It was such a lovely start to the year. Had that lovely warm feeling inside when you know people actually just love you. Its a feeling I miss a lot of the time. They are all going back to uni soon, well B is already there. I'm pretty gutted about that. But I still have a lot of amazing friends here so its fine.

I've basically been listening to Deaf Havana over and over the last few days, especially In Desperdate Need Of Adventure and Nicotine And Alcohol Saved My Life. Music helps me feel the way I want to. Thats how I see it anyway.

Anyway, I could go on and talk about everything thats rushing through my head right now but I wont. Its far too intense. Back to work tomorrow, bring it on I say.