I started work early this morning and wasn't particlarly thrilled at waking up half an hour earlier than normal, however, when I was up I actually felt really refreshed. It was an amazing frosty morning. Frosty mornings are always the best starts for me as I start with a clear head, I like to step outside onto my white path, look up the road, take a deep, sharp, cold breath and not have a clue what the day will hold.
Work was a good day, full of typical work place banter, nothing much to report about it to be honest. Although, I had a really nice lunch with Becki and we chatted about all the things that had happened with us lately. It was a sense of feeling content with someone, a real friend, who can make you laugh, but you know she cares and shes only talking to you because she wants to. I'm not about alterior motives, thanks.
Today I started looking back over the past year, all the things that changed. I can easily say that more changed in 2009 than any other year of my life. Some of the things I think of make me so happy. And I wouldn't change them. Some things make me sad but I wouldn't change them either. And I couldnt tell you how I feel about some things. I'm not one for saying I'd ever change things that have happened, because those are the things that have lead me to the place I currently am; however, for the first time in years, I'm not entirely sure I love where I find myself. Nothing makes me sadder. Because it's so unlike me.
I want to go back to the beach please.
I never believed it when people said that good things never last. For the first time in my life, I'm doubting that. I'm full of doubt at the moment.
This photo was taken in Budapest. I remember staring up at this amazing building and just thinking, "What next?" It was a moment very similar to the one I had today.
It sounds so cliche but it is crazy how fast things can change. But then again, there's always the hope that they will change back, or move forward for the better.
I had a bit of a revelation today, about people and situations. They really will ALWAYS change. I'd like to think I'll always be me forever, but people I really care about are changing and adapting around me, so how can I possibly feel safe in the belief that I will always be the person I am now. I don't know if I even want to be this person anymore. Someone important always told me I was too nice for my own good. I may have finally accepted this today. But, then again, I haven't been the nicest pesron in the world lately.
I miss almost everyone that is important to me at the moment, even if they only live across the road, everything is different. I miss them all and I miss all the amazing things we had. "You ran away, now all my friends are gone, maybe we've outgrown all the things we once loved. Run away. What are we running from?"
The film The Labyrinth gives me a bizarre sense of calm. Maybe it's because its a childhood film. But personally I dont think its that. I think its a combination of things. One of which is all the intense statements that are made.
"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me."
"Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?"
"Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel."
I fear I may actually be in love with David Bowie's character. He has such a warped romantic ideal. My mother is concerned it was her showing me this film that has shaped my bizarre and intense outlook on life. Whatever it is. I like to feel. Its better than feeling nothing at all.
Days of realisation leave me with a bittersweet taste in my mouth.
I'm going to get my second tattoo on Saturday. I want "She walks in beauty" along the side of my right foot. It is from my favourite poem, written by Lord Byron. It reminds me that I am beautiful in everything I do. Beauty is far from skin deep.
Tomorrow will be an easy day, because today wasn't. And thats just how I tend to work. Silly really.
I'm viewing a house tomorrow, I think it'll be a little far out of town, however I am viewing another later in the week which I think will probably be more suitable. HOW EXCITING.
I think it's probably time to draw today to an end, and have beautiful dreams of all the things I have speculated upon today.
"It's not fair." "You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?"
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