On thursday we went out for Rias birthday before she went back to Malaysia for a month, it was such a lush day and night. All the girls back together, it was really nice. Had so many nostalgic moments. It partially reminded me of how easy it is to be younger, but a lot of it reminded me of the things I hated about being at that horrible teenage age. Its kind of hard to explain, you either remember it or you don't. I wouldnt change a thing about my teen life, it's made me who I am today, and personally I think it's something to be proud of. I got it all out of the way early, which only means I can lead a happy and relatively straight forward life now. Okay, fair enough, straight forward is maybe a little optimistic, but I don't make mistakes anymore, which makes getting by much easier.
On friday morning I had a revelation. It was horrible. One of those moments in life you know you'll never forget and you're not sure if you're glad if it happened or not. I found that all of a sudden I knew what that strange feeling I'd had for the last few months was. It was buried deep inside me which always makes me uneasy; its too out of reach. I'm helpless. When I had realised I struggled to come to terms with it. So much that when I saw my mum for the first time that morning I burst into tears and starting rambling trying to explain. She hurt so much watching me that she simply started crying. I found myself scratching at my skin, all over my chest; explaining to her that I wanted to rip my skin of to get rid of this feeling I couldn't reach. It was horrible and there was nothing I could do about it. This is the first time in my life I've ever worried I've got a soul. I've never believed in anything like that. Soul mates. They don't exist. Now I'm not so sure. I don't want a soul, I want to be in control of everything I do. I'm quietly terrified.
The rest of Friday I spent with Dan, we have one of those friendships where we totally rely on each other for the important stuff no matter what and we always know the other will be there. He's trying to give up drinking, and therefore I am the perfect playdate! However, taking it slow, first stop, pop to the pub in Exmouth for a few drinks, it was just really nice to chill out with a friend and natter away for hours! Then we went back to his, put on an epic film, had snacks and stayed up until it was the next morning. One of those days which you are just totally relaxed. Genuinely don't feel that you have to worry about anything. I guess he's one of those friends I feel kind of protects me, just because he's so honest. It's tricky to explain how things work in my head. But, we're just upfront and that way what you see is what you get. I wouldn't change it.
Saturday I spent all over the place and ended up at Lewis's house and then off into Torquay. We meet Nathan at the pub and just sat and had ridiculous conversations for hours. It was one of those nights where you hurt all over from laughing. Even though I wasnt drinking, I genuinely just felt so amazing and basically high off life and just the atmosphere and enjoying the amazing company. We all revealed certain things about ourselves we wouldn't have expected and all found it too funny. We were later joined by lots of other lovely people and then kind of mooched around Torquay going to lots of different places. My night was kind of dampened by some rather adolescent behaviour however I am not one to let something pathetic ruin an amazing day and therefore put it behind me and carried on. Lewis and I went back to his and put on Wall-e only to fall asleep within minutes. His conservatory was cold!
This morning I wrote a letter. I love writing letters, because I always feel I can be totally honest, and say everything I want to say without the fear of being interupted or confused. As always I wrote it with a certain intent in mind. On my way home I delivered my letter.
I've had an emotional day today, but it's turned out better than I would have originally imagined. When I got home my mother could tell I was upset, which only led me to tears, however, cuddles soon sorted me right out and I got on with moving my room around, something I have always enjoyed doing.
We then went to my grandmothers for dinner which was really nice. I like it when we do family things. It happens rarely, we've never really been a very family orientated group, however, it makes it all the more special when it does finally happen. We then came home and chilled infront of the TV. I found myself faced with a rather bizarre situation when I came home; one I wasnt really expecting. But even stranger for me was my own reaction. Naturally, I expected I would be distraught and on edge, however I just found myself buzzing and finding it all too funny. I got bored of childish behaviour years ago, before my time I would say. I grow up too fast and so now, I have little patience for certain behaviour. Isn't it strange how sometimes, one small move can change everything you ever thought and felt in an instant? This is what I experienced today. And it's made my future seem a whole lot easier. Tomorrow will be a good day. Since this slight enlightenment I've also found myself faced with all sorts of exciting prospects.
I'm excited to see what the future will hold.
I'm going to bed in an amazing frame of mind, this is something I love. I only have one negative thing on my mind and that is my best friend Hope Davey. She is not as happy as I would like her to be today which saddens me greatly. However, it just makes my aim clear for the next few days. They are dedicated to her; solely. Because she's never let me down in the past and I wouldnt dream of letting her down.
I've learnt lately that, you know who your friends are.
"So this is the end, of you and me. We had a good run, and I'm setting you free to do as you want, to do as you please without me. Remember when, you were my boat and I was your sea together we'd float, so delicately but that was back when we could talk about anything. Cos I don't know, who I am when you're running circles in my head and I don't know,just who you are when you're sleeping in someone else's bed."
A NEW START.
Im moving forward and taking everything thats happened to me lately positively. I need more. And more importantly I deserve more.I had it, for a very short while but things have changed and now it's gone and it's too late to change that. Everything happens for a reason, right? I'm excited to see what the future will hold, it could go either way.
When I start over, I have to sort my music out. Music effects my whole outlook on my life. This is a new era for me and therefore I have a new playlist. Reminding me of the right things, and excluding the memories that won't help me.
Wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment