I've done it since I was about 12 I think. But back then I didn't realise what I was doing I don't think. Not to my recollection anyway. As I grew up it became more obvious to me. But less so to everyone else.
That is a good thing. To me.
In some ways at least.
I remember the first time I ever even told anyone about it. It wasn't understood though.
Trying to care about me just led to empty promises which led to me breaking promises.
This is probably the only time I've broken a promise.
A promise means the world to me; don't make one if you can't keep it.
I had every intention of keeping it. It was just a hell of a lot harder than I even began to imagine.
And then the next person that cared enough forced me out of it. Successfully.
My gran always said I needed someone strong. I miss having someone that cared that much. Once.
Not that I like having my only way of expressing myself taken from me.
But it was knowing they were doing it simply because they loved me and cared.
People go from loving to hating me pretty rapidly; how is that possible? Thin line as they say. Well I don't hate anyone.
My mum says it's because people are jealous. I disagree. What's to be jealous of?
Mmm. Memories 'ey?
Anyway, don't know why that's been on my mind today. Weird.
I decided yesterday that I want to be healthier from now on. Even took blueberry's to work for breakfast this morning, and then my manager bought THOUSANDS of cakes of charity and put a massive bowl of crisps on my table. Backfire much? Ha(!)
Got some nice snaps from Bristol now!!
And I get more and more excited about moving to Brighton as every day goes by. I want it, right now. I don't want to wait. Generally I'm a really patient person, but not for this.
I'm going to Brighton tomorrow. Getting up bright and early, leaving here at 6am. Wow, that's commitment!!
I ordered my beautiful vintage pink Polaroid camera today and some films. I cannot wait for it to arrive.
I also, cannot wait to go to Spain. I found THE bikini that I must have this summer.
Everything is coming together quite nicely.
I've had something on my mind the last few days. It bothers me as I haven't thought about it for a while now. Over a month. And this was a good thing by all means. And now its like; REALLY? REALLY THOUGH? Urgh.
Don't you hate it when you know full well everything could have turned out differently if people just opened their eyes?
Never mind; it'll fade out again.
I've also been a little stressed about an ongoing problem in my life. It's always been there and will never leave, but I thought it was getting better, this has proven to be most incorrect.
It's a shame really.
But there's nothing I can do about it. Just let life takes its toll and look forward to moving as far away as possible.
I'm getting new photos for my photo wall printed too; not to worry, NONE will be coming down; everyone that is up there is or was there for a reason. I don't forget.
Nothing changes. Not to me.
Bring on tomorrow I say.
"it's far too much to take after it's come to this; I cant just turn back the page anymore and after everything that I have fought and tried and died not to be caught. I've never felt so alone just because you don't know, your not letting go but you still stop the beat in my chest and its something that I could have guessed but you still stop the beat in my chest and I'll be more than happy to take the rest"
More Deaf Havana please. All day, everyday.
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