I Forgot The Words Again

Yeah... getting used to this ill thing.
My head is spinning.
I've lost all ability; falling apart.
Lagwagon, RX Bandits & Goldfinger right now please?

This Title Is Sh*t

Don't really have much to write about for once.
I spent the day doing bits and bobs, trying to ignore how ill I've felt without sleeping so I can get to bed tonight and go to work tomorrow. I woke up, watched Heroes, went downstairs, played Diddy Kong & Golden Eye with James, then he went to do more work and I played Zelda.
We ♥ N64.
Then I went and watched more Heroes. Made dinner. Played more Zelda. Ate too many Oreos.
Found out something douchy today, but it made me happy because it confirmed what I already thought. Some people are just awful, ha!
I also had to decide who I should trust between someone I adore and someone I probably should adore. It wasn't a particularly hard decision. But every time I make it, it hurts a little more.
Anyway, enough of being a sucky-emo-kid.
SO! Work tomorrow, Adam is picking me up, buses make me feel sick when I'm not ill, so it's just not about that. And then home, earlyish one I think, followed by a day of surprises!! Ahhh.



You're going to have to try harder if you want me to care.

Right Now, I'm Anyone's

There's been a terrible account of words & this evening is just like any other baby except tonight I'm not so down in the dirt. I'm a hopeless romantic with good intentions but i always fail to false accusations, it's always got me landing firmly on my feet. but I'll get you one day honey. Don't make a sound, we can't afford to be heard. If you wanna come home to a bed of red roses I'll cut my arm before the night closes. If you wanna come home to another best friend I'll swallow Viagra just to start a trend.
And this is far too obvious, dangerous attempt at something just a little bit more than you ever asked for.

Tell Me Now Where Was My Fault?

Today, I was so ill. So I slept. All day.
This meant I didn't have to think about anything at all.
Beautiful.
At 9am it felt like 12pm, but never mind.
I love it.
I still have a horrific headache and my stomach isn't best pleased. But I'm going to work tomorrow. I can't afford another day off.

"Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life."
Things are definitely looking up. I like this.
I'm happier.

I made an omlette today, because I hadn't eaten and thought it might help. I then remembered why I don't make omlette's anymore. I don't like omlette. Yucky.
Also, I saw this group and it made me horribly content; I'm twisted.
"Sorry I'm late, there was Snorlax in my way and I didn't have my PokéFlute!" Brilliant.

Music is making my life a better one at the moment. :)

Hardcore Superstar

I was going to write another "cryptic blog" but you know what, it's just not happening.
It's 04:53 and I've decided to go for the oldschool allnighter.
Bringing back the unemployed Leo.
"The Lavish Life Of Leo"
Amazing.

Tomorrow will be interesting, probably be something along the lines of, shower, get ready, tea, food, bus, work, lunch, work, bus, home, film, bed, sleep.
Not going to complain.

"I won't regret saying this, this thing that I'm saying. Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying. Call, break it off. Call, break my own heart. Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at. Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at. But now we'll never know, I won't be sad but in case I go there everyday, to make myself feel bad, there's a chance I'll start to wonder if this is the thing to do. I wont be out long but I still think it better end. You take your time coming over here, I think that's for the best. Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at, maybe you would have been something I'd be good at? But now well never know, I wont be sad but in case I go there everyday, to make myself feel bad there's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do."

Yeah We're Subborn & Melodramatic

Checklist:

1. Diet
2. Slight tan
3. Decide what hair colour I want
4. Dye my hair
5. Get something new to wear
6. Anything that I need to make myself boarderline attractive
7. Work out what I want
8. Do nothing about it
9. Move to Brighton
10. Do something about it
11. Have everything I need
12. See important people
13. Go to university
14. Learn
15. Be happy
16. Stop caring about anything else

Gahhh. Hi.

I need to work on everything right now. Feeling pretty numb. Which is fine. Works well. But I'm scared I'm going to get boring.
I need three months to pass please.

I'll Leave When The Wind Blows

So then, can't see anything good that can come of this?
Keep calm and carry on. I'm okay with it.
Lovely.
Had a nice evening.
I've laughed a lot tonight.
Lalala.

Misery Fucking Loves Me & I Love Her Too

I'm currently sat on a bus on the way home from my late shift listening to hardcore disgustingly loud and enjoying the disgraced look on each of my colleagues faces. It's pretty hilarious.
I genuinely enjoy people thinking I'm weird.
What is good about being like most of the single-minded people that populate this city?
Bus drivers are fun though, you never know what you're going to get. Today was Mr Nice Bus Driver. I like that. I also like it when they're Mr Angry Bus Driver, it gives my morning or evening a little excitement. Its just boring when they're in no mood at all. Like driving ghosts. Mind numbing.
Have you ever noticed the signs on buses that says "no surf boards on this vehicle, thank you"? What's that about. Yeah, I'm always bringing surf boards on buses!!
I'm going to try and have a healthy meal tonight... Like a spoolfun of water or something.
Goodbyeee

Open Up My Eager Eyes Cos I'm Mr. Brightside

"Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine. Gotta be down cos I want it all."
My all time favourite song, always and forever since the first time I heard it.

Yeah. I'm over this.
Genuinely cannot be bothered at, all.
I'm feeling that amazing, numb, heartless feeling that I usually feel.
I love it.
It's my favourite state of mind.

I'm in a pretty dire mood at this very moment in time though, so be careful, I might be horrifically mean to you.
Already have been to three people today.
I'm not sad though, don't get me wrong.
I'm more content than I have been in a while, cos I've got my head straight. And that's all I need.

My expectations are disgustingly high & you've got me all wrong.

Divine Intervention?

I was selfish for a few days.
Shortly nipped that in the bud.
What a retarded thing to do?
I don't know what I was thinking.

I am Leonora Hitchcock, f*ck off please?

I Step Right Off The Edge, Feel The Blood Rush To My Head

Yeah, I've been re-learning the whole living in Wonderland thing lately, and I'm getting better at it again.
I cannot believe I lost my touch.
One of the few things I have been good at.
Joy.

I cannot get enough of Tegan & Sara at the moment, I swear they lived my life for me and then wrote about it so I have something to relate to.
Got to be honest, they're helping.

Mmmm, I don't care if it's selfish, I want want want it. Yes please?
Nahhh? Okay, yeah, probably not.
Never did get that lucky ha.

LALALALA.
Work tomorrow, then Sunday off, THANK GOD.
Gooooooood day to you folks.

"Back from the last place that I wanted to fake, you laugh with me, shout, scream now tell me you're staying."

Oh & I'm Feeling Directionless, Yes

Oh and I'm feeling directionless yes. But that's to be expected and I know that best, in creeps the morning and another day is lost. You've just written wondering and I reply fast.
All you need to save me; call.
And I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all and I wont take any other call.
I feel like a fool so I'm going to stop troubling you. Buried in my yard a letter to send to you, if I forget of God forbid die too soon. Hope that you'll hear me and know that I wrote to you.
And I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all and I wont take any other call.

Call It Off

Deceivingly profound.

"I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me."

Yeah, I don't like this. Haven't cared for a while. I got used to it.
I'm struggling with this.
And it's just shocking timing.
Shocking everything.
Blah blah, bitch, moan.
I'm acting pretty self-absorbed.

F*ck it. Next?

MUSIC please.

Dance With Me But Mind My Sleeve It's Where I Keep My Heart

ARGHHHHH.
I feel my life would be more successful if I locked myself in a very small room with nothing in it.
No?
Well.
Today has confused me.
I thought for a moment I had spoken a little too soon, and maybe things weren't too out of reach, and then before I knew it that changed again.
And then I got so angry at someone for how self absorbed they can be.
I didn't even know that was possible.
Done with that behaviour.
Then I had a really nice few hours with Leila.
Anddd, then something I thought was over and done with got thrown back into the very complex equation.
FML. ahahaha, emo.com but seriously.
I love the complexity of it all, but it's not like a complex game, so it's not fun. It's more like complex math.
I want a challenge, love a challenge. But this isn't a challenge, as I have no say in the matter.
Lalala.
Anyway, I cannot stop listening to Nineteen by Tegan & Sara and Heels Over Head by Boys Like Girls.
Amazing.
Bye.



Despondent, distracted, vicious & romantic

I Should Have Told You

I felt you in my legs before I ever met you and when I laid beside you for the first time I told you. I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you. And now we're saying bye.
Bye.
I was nineteen.
I felt you in my life before I ever thought to. Felt the need to lie it down beside you and tell you. I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you. And now were saying bye.

Tegan and sara are amazing.

Yes I Have To Change The Rules, I Can't Lose

My heart is racing.
What is wrong with me?
I think I need to calm down.
How very melodramatic of me.
I tend to do this. Just ruin things for myself... as a way to end things before they can hurt me. Or mean too much to me that they can easily hurt me.
Not about that.

RESCUE ME.


"Today is the day, the worst day of my life. You're so content it hurts me, I don't know why. The cost of misery is at an all time high; I keep it hidden close to the surface in sight. I'm learning to fall, I can hardly breathe. When I'm going down don't worry about me .Don't try this at home. You said you don't see. I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me."

You Aren't Going To Find It

You spend your time rushing around your life. Doing the same thing you did yesterday and the same thing you'll do tomorrow, and you don't forget... It's like a warm but vague reminder, constantly there, lining everything you do.
But then you sit down. You just stop. And you actually think.
And when you think, you genuinely remember. You feel it, hear it, taste it.
Want it.
And you smile and feel insanely bipolar.
And then you think it's probably for the best you carry on with your life because it's all too much to consider; its so ridiculously out of reach now.
Corr.

Despondent, Distracted, Vicious & Romantic

Well then, I've had a pretty intense couple of weeks.
It's hard, because I wish I could explain, without letting out all my deepest secrets.
I'll try the best I can, regardless.
"Never show anyone. They'll beg you and they'll flatter you for the secret, but as soon as you give it up... you'll be nothing to them."
This stands out to me; I keep all the things that make me who I am very close to my chest. I am individual and pride myself for it.
In previous years I have let people take this from me, in different shapes and forms. Never again. I have been reminded of this lately.



Don't you hate when you just know something, but it's not your decision to make, so out of being a decent human being you have to sit back and watch the future unfold, just hoping it will go the right way and not the wrong?
This is one of my most selfish attributes. I have been blessed with the ability to assess people and situations too well. And often therefore find myself wanting to solve people's problems for them.
This is selfish.
You need to make your own mistakes.
So I try to put it to good use, I help when I am needed, comfort when it is needed and the rest of the time, stay out of the way, quietly observing, until I am needed.
I only ever want to do right by my friends. They mean more to me than I could ever express.
Lately I have found myself very confused about a few things. And frustrated. Right now the only thing that will really fix this is for time to skip forward. I just need to be at a point in my life where things can become permanent; as right now, they cannot.
There would be little logicality in taking on anything to serious right now, as in a matter of months I won't be here; around all these wonderful people, doing the things I spend my days doing at the moment.
Everything will be different.
Fate.
I have already found that fate is moving those things important to me close to me in that time.
So; only time will tell.
...I wonder. To the person in which this concerns; if you are reading, and think this is in regards to yourself; I am leaving it to you from now on. We will see.
No regrets. Everything happens for a reason.
And I think I set myself up for this from the beginning.
I realised a week or so ago, that over the last few months I have found myself in rather self-destructive situations. I think I have been setting myself up for disaster; as a way of protecting myself.
Clever I suppose. But irritating.
Gotta love your subconscious.
Right now, I'm not so sure what I want. So all I will do is look forward... to a point where it is safe to decide. No need to decide now, as I cannot act on it.
It would be counterproductive to make such decisions at this moment in time.

"In my opinion, the existence of life is a highly overrated phenomenon" -Watchmen.
Lately I have watched some really amazing films.
Films for me are a form of escapism. I adore this.
I love films that are a dramatised version of reality. What more could you want?


"I can feel you breathing, and it's keeping me awake."
A few nights ago I had a dream, of which I can remember vividly. It's bizarre, this hasn't happened to me in a long time.
I'm not very sure what to make of it to be honest. If you took it in black and white, then I know exactly what I want. However, I am not black and white, nor are dreams, least of all my dreams. So I shall continue to analyse this dream until I come to a conclusion of what it means.

"Despondent, distracted; you're vicious and romantic, these are a few of my favourite things. All of those flavours and this is what you choose. Pass the blues and onto something real. Something real; make it timeless. An act of God and nothing less would be accepted. So if you're calling me out, count me out. Yeah, we're stubborn and melodramatic, a real class act. I know a few of your favourite things; five in the morning and all comes out pouring, love. Out, the same way in. I said real. Make it timeless. An act of god and nothing less would be accepted. If you're calling me out, count me out."

Blah blah blah. For the first time in ages I'm actually feeling a little emotion towards things and people. F*ck this.
Leila and I watched some good stuff tonight, it was lush.
Tea, and TV & Leila. Lovely.
Work tomorrow. Brilliant.
Nighttttt.


I liked this.

You're A Lush & I Hate It

I had a rad night out. Genuinely good fun all round.
Saw so many people that I know from all over the place!!
Madness.


Rosie is already asleep next to me, bless. She's a doll.
I felt sad that B couldn't be here... it was all her idea originally as well. But I was thinking of her and tomorrow I am going to see her at 5pm.
Can't wait to see her.
And I'll go and see her on Saturday morning.

Tomorrow at work we are moving desks, I'm moving into the colder part of the office, but closer to the coffee shop, so it's half and half.

I'm missing Andy a lot already... crazy times.
And I cannot wait for James to come back from his Easter breakkkkk. Yay.
Soon things should gain a little more consistency. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for spontaneity, but everything is a little too erratic at the moment.
Right now I'm debating how far something should be pushed, and when it should be left. But also what it means. I don't like to waste my time, effort & affection.
I'm patient but I need to be kept in the loop.
All in all I'm nice.

I need to get me some of that... gahhh.
But until then.. I'm happy.

Bryony needs to get better so we can run away to Brighton together.
'kay? Thanks.

Do You Believe In Hallucinations?

I don't update this so much anymore, it's more like every other day rather than everyday. It's not good but I have just had a helluva lot going on.
My best friend is sick, and I'm genuinely terrified.
It took a little while to sink in how tragic it could potentially be, and when it did I just didn't stop crying.
My manager had to take me off the phones at work and put me on back office work.
I've been sending her a text a day just to update her, even though I know she won't see it until she's better... but I want her to know how much she means to me and that I have been thinking about her always.
I'm going to visit her tomorrow after work, take some mag's, grapes and a nice card, maybe some flowers. Whatever I think will make her smile really.
I don't know.

I'm also confused about a few other things. Don't know what's going on or where I stand.
I know where I want to be, but it's never that easy!
Brilliant.
Anyway, I will update again later.
To make up for the lack of updates lately.
I'm on a late shift tonight at work, then going out with Rosie and Lucy which will be nice.
So then...
Speak soon.
Byeee.

Somewhere Here She's Hidden

Hmmmm.
Dunno.
Feeling a little bit strange today.
Things going through my head.
I am well and truly ready for SOMETHING to happen.
Everything is changing constantly.
It's not all bad.
But I need something right... and then it should just stay.
HA!
I don't know what I'm on about.
I have work at 08:30am tomorrow, jooooke.
I don't really know what to believe anymore.
MESSY MESSY MESSY.
Lalala.
See you tomorrow beauts.
Kisses & stuff.

She Won't Take The Blame

I have no words at the moment, it's really weird for me.
I guess it's because EVERYTHING is changing at the moment, and in a week or so I think things should balance out again and I will start to recover a little consistency.
Until then, I'm afraid, I feel my blog will be boring.

RX Bandits... all the time right now.

"This is the first time that I've ever told the truth before to scrutinize what we call fate belief in more of what's been forced into subconscious' hold my breath, hope to refrain.
Is love an infection or a sick addiction? When there's nowhere left to run to. Is love an infection or a sick addiction? When there's nowhere left, this crush is broken.
Her empty needle is my unsharpened sword, I stab, I stab, I stab, but I can't puncture
don't wanna let it, don't wanna feel it, don't wanna hear it, don't even wanna think about it
hold my breath, hope to refrain and if i can't afford her my veins begin to ache.
I don't wanna feel this pain no more. Have you ever felt so high that when you came down
you broke inside?
I know she won't take the blame
You love me, you rip my heart out, you've broken me for to long now."

In Desperate Need Of Music

"Bright just like the stars above me
Proud just like my mother planned it
Short on all the things I don't want
I'm full of love and longing
Take me by the hand and tell me
You would take me anywhere
Still, cause I don't want to move a thing
In hopes that you'll fit right into me
And all the things I don't want they're full
Of love and longing
Take me by the hand and tell me
You would take me anywhere
And it goes, its like a come on come on to me
And it goes it's like a come on come on to me
You, you say you don't see any part of me
To love in all this mess and I know
You take the good and all the bad that comes with me."

So We Come To The End Of The Story

I cannot be bothered with most things ANY.MORE.
But there are a few things I can, and therefore I will continue to put my all into them.

I hope the weather is gorgeous tomorrow.
I need some someone to sweep me off my feet and distract me by making me laugh until I cry and just make me feel worthwhile.
You know you're "too nice" when your "best friend" is the most selfish person you know.
Luckily I have some real friends.
Amazing, beautiful, true friends.
Friends I will have forever.


This song. ALL THE TIME right now.



Also:
"Let's delay our misery. Save tonight and fight the break of dawn. Come tomorrow; tomorrow I'll be gone."

We're Gunna Die Like This You Know; Miserable & Old

I keep hearing of or seeing things that happened yesterday and thinking that they happened like days and days ago.
What's going on with me?
What does that even mean? HA!

I've made my decision about something... gah.

I need tea.
And to feed Bella, ta-ra.

This Is My Mind

I think things might be coming together, but then everything is so erratic I don't wanna speak to soon.
Ahh well, one can only hope.
And it makes me happy none the less.
I have a while off work now, which is nice.
Quite fancy going out tomorrow night.
Tonight was a lot of fun.
My manager bought me an Easter egg. She's amazing.
I've listened to so much music tonight. Brilliant.
I've looked through every single photo I have on my laptop twice.
WOW. How things change. Mostly for the good.
I want long hair again.
IT'S PRETTY.
Shouldn't take me long.
It's my birthday on Tuesday, I've invited quite a few people out for drinks, but if I'm very honest, there are only a handful people I really care about seeing.

I want a cake on my birthday just so I can blow out the candles and make a wish.
Unrealistic, but lovely none the less.
I have a lot of things to say but gunna keep it to myself for the time being.
Lets see what the next couple of weeks hold.

I'm watching the notebook; "if I'm a bird, you're a bird." amazing film.

Goodnight.

A Darker Shade Of Red

Today I had work, it was a lush day.
Nice and easy to be honest.
Tomorrow is my last day of the week, what a blag!
And then Andy, James and I are having a movie marathon. Amazing.
It's going to be epic.
...Labyrinth being one of the films I shall be watching with them.
After work today I went out with Andy to The Black Horse and watched the Arsenal vs Barcelona game, it was a genuinely good game of football.
Made me miss Lottie though, and all the sixth form people.
I had an amazing two years in sixth form.
Oh which reminds me!! After the football we went to The Firehouse and Mr Pawson and Mr Lawson were there! Amazing, it was rad to see them. They're amazing. I love having a good ol' catch up with Pawson. It's a genuine necessity.
I feel so happy today. I'm going to bed all smiley.
I don't know why, I guess things have just been going my way the last two days.
SMILEYFACE.

It's nearly my birthday. I'm looking forward to it, just because I like getting ALL my friends together.

We had a good youtube session when we got home today, it was hilarious.
Gotta love a youtube sesh.

Anyway, it's nearly three AM and I have work tomorrow.
I feel bed is in order.
I feel like I have a lot more to say, but I'm just gunna dream about it instead. ♥
Goodnight lovely people.
TEAAAAA.