If The Horses Won't Drink We'll Drown Them In The Water

To be quite frank; I'm God damn sick of always being the one to take the stick for things out of my control.
I might just cut off all ties to people.
Leave everyone else to it.
I'm so done with this.

Back From The Last Place That I Wanted To Fake

I had work today, 08:30-14:00. It was a pretty standard Saturday shift. I tend to like my Saturdays; twisted, I am aware of this.
After work I went into town, got the bus with Martin and Clare. It was a good bus journey.
Then I went into Boots to find things, and I'm pretty sure I didn't come out with anything I went in with the intention of getting. Brilliant.
I've been trying not to spend lots of money, its so hard when I have money, but I'm doing good.
I bought a big plastic box from Pound Stretcher on my way home, and it was insane walking home carrying it in the scorching heat. But yes.
So, my big plastic box. I bought it for when I start moving, I have so much "stuff" and so a box was a good idea. I've learnt from this move that I DO NOT need all my "stuff" when I go to uni. Learning curve.
Anyway. I got my ingredients for my Lemon Drizzle Cake, going to make it tomorrow, late-ish so it'll be fresh for my guest.Pretty basic recipe...
1. Preheat oven to 180 degrees C/gas mark 4
2. I use an oblong tin which measures 9" x 8", lined with baking parchment. could also be made in a round tin, but size of which, I'm not sure!!
3. Tip all cake ingredients into large mixing bowl and beat for 2-3 minutes; mixture will drop easily off spoon.
4. Spoon mixture into tin and smooth with back of spoon. Bake for 30-40 minutes until golden & firm to the touch.
5. Beat together icing ingredients and pour over the cake while it is still HOT.
6. Cool in tin & cut into squares.
7. YUMMMMMM :)!!!!

Surely I can't screw that up?
God, get me being all 1950's housewife.

I fell asleep earlier (I'm getting into the habit of naps; not wise) and then woke up at about 22:30 when I got a text and thought, ahhh it'll be fine, I'm sleepy enough to go back to sleep and sleep through, and then BAMMMMMM thirsty much?
FML.
So, you know as soon as you get up for a drink, you're done for, you're up for a while!
...no word of a lie; here I am, wide awake. Never mind.
In my spare time this evening I have put all my "stuff" into the big box I bought, well most of it anyway.
My room seems tidier for it. Two birds, one stone.
Anyway, although I could very easily stay up all night listening to Tegan and Sara I should try the sleep thing again, I'm starting to yawn again (or squeak as those who have experienced my "yawns" would refer to it).

One more game of solitaire, Bones, then sleep.
Perfect.
So, if I remember, I will take a picture of my Lemon Drizzle Cake tomorrow and put it on here. Lalalala.
Ta-ra.

And Now I'm Running & Screaming; I Feel Like A Hero

I'm having one of those days where I feel disgusting in every possible way.
Nothing would make me feel any better about myself.
I feel yuck.
Chubs.
Ugly.
Bad hair day.
Bad face day.
Stupid tan lines.
Yuck yuck yuck.
Enough of that anyhow. I have these days, and then I wake up thinking I am skinnier and pretty than I was the day before and everything is better again.
A disgusting outlook on life I know.

Things to do over the weekend:

• Work
• Buy ingredients for Lemon Drizzle Cake
• Buy some gradual tan
• Part-take in some form of beautification
• Check on my student finance
• Paint my nails again as I'm sure they will have chipped from type-type-typing all day at work
• Pay my water bill
• Sleep a lot before Sunday
• Not get over excited
• Spend as little money as possible

I think that's a do-able list of things to do.
So, I've tried to sleep and have failed miserably, and somehow found myself increasing my "games won" stats on solitaire. Something I am proud of but am fully aware there is no rational explanation as to why.
Dorky? I'm okay with it.

So then, as it is now 01:22 (not so bad as far as I go) I am going to try and combat my continual battle with sleep.
Maybe I don't sleep because I'm scared of what my imagination (crossed with daily events and probably subconscious thought) might dream up? Huh, food for thought.
Night blog people.

And Since I Fell For That Spell I Am Living There Aswell

So, I've always had this thing, that I am a little like Alice, lost in Wonderland. And then the new Alice in Wonderland movie came out and I moved away from it a little as I don't like to be one of those girls that like clings on to weird and wonderful movies. That's never what it has meant from me.
I'm talking about the book, and yeah the Disney played a bit part in my childhood. But really, it's the metaphor behind it.
It's amazing.
Lately I've been wondering if I'm still in that place, still lost in Wonderland, or if I'm more lost than ever.
It's hard to say, I'm kind of aimlessly wondering.
Is this all just going to end up falling apart, aimless and hopeless?
IT'S ALL NONSENSE.
The idea of being found is scary though, if I'm lost then, in a weird way, I'm safe. Gah, this is twisted logic, it doesn't make much sense. But if you're alone, and you're lost, then you only depend on you, and you get used to being lost. It's almost settling.
And like Alice, you meet weird and wonderful (good and bad) people on the way, but you don't have to stick around for tea and cake if you don't want to!!!
Ha, oh my god I'm talking crap.
I wonder sometimes, when I put my philosophy hat on, how much is real, what really counts...
How do you prove you exist?

I'm sat in my room in darkness basically, which is really weird, but I've just been here since it was light, that now it's dark. My window is opposite me and when I look outside I see a few rooftops and then the moon. It looks huge tonight. It looks full. I don't think it quite is, but I'm not the person to ask on these things. Full or not, my God, it's beautiful. I want to put a top hat on it and give it a big smile and run away into wonderland.

I've been listening to some really nice chilled music lately. Just nice acoustics and things; it's nice but it definitely gets me thinking about things.
Time is short.
There is nothing I can do about this.
This is hard.
Maybe time only seems to pass but doesn't? Like a dream.
I feel like that sometimes, but then I look back to when I was small... my first memories. Time has surely passed.
Maybe I'll wake up and this will all have been a beautiful dream; a mistake. A beautiful one.
That wouldn't be so bad really.
Well, I suppose that depends on what I would be waking up to?

"Those who are dead are not dead, they're just living in my head. And since I fell for that spell I am living there as well. Time is so short and I'm sure, there must be something more."

I've Got This Feeling That There's Something That I've Missed

My working week is basically over and it's Wednesday how luuuush is that!? Happyface.
I worked my late Monday,yesterday was my rota day, worked today and I have tomorrow and Friday off.
Working Saturday morning but that barely qualifies.
So, this month I am making a point of spending basically NO money!!
I want to have enough for my big chill ticket left over at least. Easy, surely?
God.
SO, CHANGE OF PLAN, URGH, NO TIME TO BLOG :(

Time should pass. Please?

"I'm Sure I Don't Know What You Mean"

I'm sat in bed, watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
And I'm super happy. (Mood swings much? I knowww!!)
And I love magic.
And I love amazing people who counteract all the remarkably tragic people in the world.
And I love my new ink.
And I love my house.
And I love I'm soon gunna be in Brighton.
And I love that regardless of the unfortunate stuff that crops up, I bounce back in seconds.

I WANT TO BE A WITCH! Gahhhh. :(

"You haven't seen him have you? Apparently he's wondering about the house."
Simple lines; simple pleasures.
Eeeeee.
Bye bye bye bye byeeee. Lalala, night.

MISERY F*CKING LOVES ME

I just turned my music up as loud as I could so nobody heard me scream at the top of my lungs.





f*cking c*nts.

We're The Ones That Touch The Sky

I cannot wait to be out of this city.
I'll be gone before you know it and doubt I'll ever come back.
I cannot wait, it's so exciting.
AHHHHHH :)

I got iiiiiinked today, lush.
I am very very very uncontrollably happy, because I have only good things to look forward to.
TA-RA.

This Is Worse Than Teenage Poetry

Oh good God.
Do you remember that time everyone acted like they were still 14? Bitching and lying...
OH WAIT, THAT'S NOW?!
Hahahhahaha, what the f*ck is wrong with people.
Literally tragic.
Whatever happened to good old fashioned honesty?
As of now, I refuse to help or associate myself with such dishonest and childish people.
How can they not see what they look like.
It is simply remarkable.
People around here need to start acting their age, however I'm sure I will be long gone before that starts to happen, so in all fairness I couldn't care less, but people need to stop trying to drag me down with them.
I no longer do favours.
'Kay? Thanks :)

Fragment Ideas & Too Many Pronouns; Stop It Come On You're Not Making Sense Now

Today has been fun.
Totally ridiculous.
But fun.
Seriously work was easy today, best way to end a week of work!!!
Got to work at 8:30, on the phone until 10:00, customer time for half an hour, on the phone for half an hour. Data checks from 11:00-15:00! On the phone until I left at 16:30, oh wait, no, they screwed it all up and told all the customers we were closed! Haha, really can't complain. We then went on and off the phone like four times. Ended up off the phone until home time. Lush.
The office was pretty much empty after 15:30 today.
So, yeah, got taking back Sunday stuck in my head, never a bad thing.
What shall I do with my evening?
Lalala.
Ciao.

I Hated This City Before You Came Here

"I wake up exhausted, it's not morning; it's back to sleep to re-dream me. We're alone and we're happy, but there you are angry with me. Are you alright? I can stand up straight. Are you alright? Can you get me off your mind?"

So, yeah, I've had that song in my head all morning! I think it's because I naturally woke up at 6 this morning and my alarm was set for 6:30 and then I woke up at 7:05 in a panic and feeling totally knackered because my alarm didn't go off. And this song reminds me of that ha!!
So, I've kinda gotten into the habit of blogging on the bus to work. It's probably a good time to do it seeing as it's 15 minutes I have nothing to do. I mean, I'd listen to music but the naughty nibbly one (bellatrix) chewed all three pairs of my headphones (at individual times) you'd think I'd learn, but she's a sly one! Anyway... So yeah music is a no go at the moment. And I people watch a lot on the way home on the bus which is fun, but people are boring at this time in the morning, they're either boring work people or sleepy interesting people; who don't tend to get interesting until they're awake. So morning blog on the bus seems quite a sufficient way to spend my morning; get my brain working before work.
But I suppose the flaw in this plan is that a) I don't work on the weekend and b) I've forgotten how I felt the night before usually and I haven't been awake long enough to muster any strong emotion towards anything at this time.
But hey ho, we'll give it a go. If it's too life-less and mind numbing I'll come up with a new strategy to get my blogs back on track.
So, I sent off my scholarship application for uni, have I mentioned that? So that's exciting, I reallllly hope I get it, like so bad, would help loads. And I need to call student finance on Tuesday when I have a day off, to see if they've sorted there lives out.
God, this is just becoming a rant of things I need to do, how boring.
So... How do I feel? What am I thinking?
To be honest, not much at the moment, I'm just like perfectly content. You know, things could be better but they could definitely be worse. I have the girlies back, well kind of, Rosie comes and goes but B's around which is lush. And works pretty good at the moment. And yeah all in all I'm happy, but I just can't wait for august, no work (probably no money) no commitment, just friends and fun. Literally need it. Will be perfect. I want to go all over the place and see lots of people.
It's going to be totally weird not living in my house with James and Leila though! Like ahhh my god, so weird. I'm going to miss them SO much. But they're moving to Bristol, and Rosie's there, so hopefully I will stay in touch.
Next week I have Tuesday, Thursday and Friday off (typically the gas man is coming Wednesday the one day we ALL have to work ahaha!!) But I'm looking forward to the time off. Chilling out, in the sun hopefully!!! Seeing a few lovely people no doubt.
I really need some new sunglasses. In all fairness I need a lot of new things, but I guess they can wait, I don't have much spare time to be wasting with "things".
I finish work at 16:30 today which will be really nice, I can't wait to finish for the week. Well and truly ready for a relaxing weekend.
I put Bella in the garden today because its so nice and sunny but she just runs back in the house, it's cute, she's really starting to feel at home now, which is annoying considering we're off in just over a month. The poor thing is being moved around so much; exeter, ottery, exeter, ottery, Brighton.
At least she'll be staying in Brighton properly.
Anyway, I'm pretty close to work now and am well aware I've just talked crap for 10 minutes, so I think I'll leave it there.
If I do have anything profound to report I'll be sure to do it; I know it makes for better reading.
Ta-ra.

It's A Silly Time To Learn To Swim When You Start To Drown

So, last post was on the 11th, that was nearly a week ago, what's happened since then?
Not very much, I've been at work everyday.
The weather has been amazing!!
Oh, I say I haven't done much, what a lie. On sunday I went to rosie's and we had a lush sleepover. Was so nice to see her and Bryony. Lalala. Then I went to work, had my late, popped into my old school on the way to say hiiii.
Work was okay, Bryony picked me up and we went back to mine, got ready and went out. Had such a funny night.
Just had work everyday since then, it's been okay.
Yesterday was hilarious, we had to do our "dress your veg" for that we have two runner or broad beans (dunno which haha) and made them into Dempsey and Green because of the USA vs UK match the otherday. Made a pitch and a goal and everything, it is amazing. Anyway, that gets judged today, if we don't win I'll be annoyeddddd!!
So today is team green britain day, we get to dress down, asked to dress in green but all I found was green undies and a multicoloured bracelet which has some green on it. I tried at least.
So, I'm officially in my overdraft which is depressing but only a few days until I get paid now. Just gunna be a boring weekend for me!!! Never mind. I can rest and enjoy the sunshine.
So, I'm hoping the weather is going to nice again next week because I have three days off. Amazing.
So, today will be fun I'm sure.
Maybe next time I update I'll have some gossip or something moer interesting to report.
Ta-ra.

I'm Finding Out That Cheating Gets It Faster

I slept for just over ten hours yesterday.
If you know me but at all you will know how very unlike me this is.
My only conclusion is that I have exhausted myself with everything that I have to remember and keep up with at the moment. Exhausted from looking forward no doubt.
Exhausted at least.
I had so much sleep that when I woke up I didn't want to get up. I hate that.
When I woke up I had a moment of panic where I thought I was somewhere else and I did not like it.
This scares me all things considered, I'm soon to be there.
But, come what may.
I worked hard today, and people benefited from this. I like this.
As mind numbing as my job sometimes seems, I do help people, and this I like.

I was browsing post secrets, I think it's really interesting. I think I will make one soon and see if it goes on the website.
I liked this one.



Found something I didn't really want to see today, but then again, I shouldn't have been looking, then I wouldn't have found it.
I hate that. But it wasn't what I was expecting to find.
Most people are messy.

Today at work I got some love hearts in a special EDF box and they made me happy. Four individual little packets. They were cute and reminded me how amazing the company I work for is. I'm lucky.

Things are weird at the moment. I'm so in between things. It's totally bizarre. It reminds me of The Middle by Jimmy Eat World.
"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride, everything will be just fine. Everything will be alright."
I adore this song, it got me through some hard times.
And will continue to, because the way I see it, when things are bad or upside down, they're not over.
I've refused to listen to Jimmy Eat World for a little while. You know the way some songs/albums/artists remind you of things you don't want to remember? I hate that..
But after a while it passes.

I hate being uncertain and I hate being stuck and I hate being powerless and argh, I hate a lot of things.
I hate being me sometimes. Because I'm terrified I'll do what I always do and f*ck things up just to protect myself.
I refuse. I just need to man up.
I am happy right now. I will continue to be happy and nothing will change this.

I need to get my act together. I haven't eaten, I've only had one cup of tea since I got home which is unheard of and I haven't painted my nails which I promised myself I would do two days ago.
I also have all that unimportant stuff to do... you know, student finance & other university stuff! Brilliant.

I've never been one for procrastination. What is this?
So my plan of action; tea, nails, finance, film, bed. Beautiful.

I need a change.
Change of style.
Change of hair.
Change of place.
Change of people. (not all of the people.)
Change of heart.

NEXTTTTT!!!!

I need my girls. I need Rosie Marchant and Bryony Hatherley.
(There are a few others I hold close to my heart, but these girls have been with me for as long as I can remember. That stands for everything.)

And There Will Come A Time You'll See, With No More Tears. And Love Will Not Break Your Heart But Dismiss Your Fears.

Wrote a massive blog, accidentally deleted it.
Can't be brothered again!!!!
So, I work, I sleep, I pay bills and that's about it.
I'm happy due to a few very significant factors.
Bryony and Rosie are back this weekend which only adds to this.
In fact, it completes me.
I am not myself without my best friends.
I adore them.
I wrote Rosie a note at work and posted it to her, for the hell of it. Why not?
I also wrote to my gran.
Someone write me love letters?
I want the next month to pass, that would be fantastic.
But as we all know, yet chose to ignore, time will continue to pass at the same speed until it stops all together, so wishing time away just doesn't work. Damn.
Oh, unless you're a time traveller, which I am, so I'm sorted.
I've started building a weird attachment to Timothy the Turtle. I cuddle him at night when Bella is in her cage and isn't cuddle-able.
I've been having fun at work lately.Stupid people doing stupid things. Good entertainment.
And tomorrows entertainment...?
I'm doing 9am-5pm tomorrow which is a lush shift. Lovely.
So, yeah, some girl took like a horrific amount of my blood this morning and I think she might sell it on the black market to a satanic tribe. What's the worst that can happen?
So, I also realised last night that I've never had much of an imagination... I wasn't like one of those children who was always off with the fairies. In fact, I think I just copied Ria all the time.
She used to have imaginary friends and stuff and I never got it but pretended I did. How weird is that? I'm such a loser.
Never mind.
I'm with Aristotle on this one.
So, I'm gunna stop babbling, it's unfortunate that my blog before this was way more interesting and fun. GAY.
BRIGHTON PLEASE.
I just want friends, Brighton, learning and lots of love. Lalala.
I'm gunna go and make cup of tea number 7.
Bye bye bye bye bye.


I know what I want and in two months I will pretty much be there. Things will be closer to perfect than they've ever been. What more can I say? What more can I ask for? I'm blessed.

I Dont Care For Your Sweet Scent Or The Way You Want Me More Than I want You

So, I'm sat on the bus in the boiling hot weather listening to History by Funeral For A Friend. Amazing.
But I shouldn't listen to sad songs on sunny days because they make me think and they make me nostalgic and all sorts of other crazy things.
Never mind.
Yesterday was a good day. All in all. Had work at 8am so I was up from 6am, it was raining and I didn't even care. I love that!!! Then I finished work at 4pm, NICE AND EARLY. Went home, said bye to James who left me again!! My house is empty, again! Ahhhhh. Sad face.
Ahh, twenty-twenty surgory by taking back sunday just came on. What a tune. "Its not the quality that bothers me."
I'm getting back into a routine of getting ready for work again which is good. And I'm starting to make myself sleep a bit earlier as well. Slow progress but I'm getting there!!
So, my day today has started with good music, fanta fruit twist, sunshine, friendly coop guy, moody bus guy and peppermint gum? Ha. Beauts.
Well, update later.
Oh I also had an idea on my way to the bus stop that I should have taken a picture of what I wore everyday this year, but out of curiousity haha. Ahh well, if I wore the same thing twice in a row it wouldn't have looked good!!!
Work time, gahhhh.
Laters.